Chapter 9-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Mom's speech continued to maintain the same. Nothing she said made sense. The doctors started reducing the anti-seizure drug. I don't know the name, something complicated! But the medication can make one feel pretty out of it. It caused her to become almost unresponsive. She struggled a lot during this time. I wonder if she was trying to make sense of it all. I don't know. I know I was! 

During this time, my heart continued to literally hurt. I was tired and exhausted emotionally and physically. I now know, that is normal for someone that takes care of someone under intense sickness, such as cancer. 
The pain in my heart kept me up at night. I guessed it was anxiety and stress. 

On May 7, 2006, in my journal I wrote,

"I am feeling much better today. Mom is doing much better as of yesterday. What a hard week! The last wo days she's been more herself. I think the contributing factor has beent he way they are giving mom her medication. Up until now, she's been recieving her Decatron orally, but 1 day ago, they have been giving it to her through an IV. It has made a world of difference. She is more alert. She has actually been able to say sentences! She's up and walking! She's smiling and laughing! It's so nice to see and experience."

That same week, we were told, there was really nothing else the doctors could do. Hospice was called in. Dad and I were able to make the final preparations, before I left for Costa Rica. Mom was able to go home shortly after I left. 

Being back home in Costa Rica was SO hard. I cried a lot. 

I called mom for Mother's Day. She was still having trouble talking. She managed to get out "Hello, Carmelinda," but that was it. My heart was broken. It was so hard for me not to be able to talk to her. She tried so hard. I wish I knew what she was trying to tell me. 

The day after, I had a major crying spell, just thinking how much I missed my conversations with mom. 




Chapter 10

My chest pains continued. I had difficulty breathing at times. I noticed that when I started talking about mom I found myself gasping for breath. I also noticed that the pains were lasting longer. I felt my chest get right and felt a lot of pressure. It was very uncomfortable. I knew something wasn't right. I guessed it was something linked with mom's condition. I wasn't sleeping well either. I made an appointment with our family doctor. I took some tests and everything came back normal. He informed me that I was suffering from panic attacks due to the intense stress of the past year. He suggested I take some anti-depressants and some muscle relaxants to help my body through the trauma I was experiencing. This was hard to take all in. I was in shock. I had never heard of panic attacks! What was wrong with me! 

Ps. 119
v.25 "I lie in the dust, completly discouraged; receive me by your word."
v.28 "I weep with grief; encourage me by your word." 

May 6, 2006

"Today we are going to be recieving MRI results that will determine the condition of mom's tumor. Sunday morning, I got a call around 5:00am telling me that dad had called the squad. They took mom to the hospital. She had been vomiting and couldn't even keep waster down. She was also so out of it that dad couldn't wake her up. Dad realized there wasn't anything he could do anymore so he called the squad. 

They found out her brain was swollen. When the brain gets this way, the body starts shutting down. She has been having trouble swollowing. She's been lathargic a lot. She's been getting weaker as time is progressing. 

She's now in the ICU at Grant Hospital. Our gut feeling is that the news won't be good. In talking with dad and Louie yesterday, I think we're ready to hera it. I know it might take some time for it to sink in, but I want to accept God's will, not mine."

During this time I read a book called, Surrender It was written by a man who had cancer in his lymph nodes and eventually the cancer spread. The last chapter was written by his friend, since the author passed away. 

The word surrender meant for me that I was to give up mom, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations, everything that I ever thought would happen in the future. This was much easier said than done! 

One of my desires was to be mom until the end. I told dad to please tell me when the doctor told him that mom's days were few. I asked God to grant me that desire. 

While mom was in ICU, we were told, that mom was near the end. Due to the condition of her brain, the doctor expected mom to live 4-6 weeks longer. DeLynn released me and Carmelinda, with love, to go be with mom during her last days. He needed to stay in Costa Rica,since summer was starting and he needed to be there for ministry purposes. 

I tried hard to prepare Carmelinda for what was to come, although, I didn't really know what was to come myself!