Chapter 5 -Held in Grip of the Love of God

Life got back to “normal” when I returned to Costa Rica. I was able to talk to mom pretty often over the phone. She continued to exercise everyday as well as continued to take care of herself nutritionally. Dad was such a wonderful example to me as to how a husband should love and care for his wife. Louie also gave a lot of his time to help mom rehabilitate.

A song that really ministered to me over that summer and as I went back to Costa Rica was, Sweetly Broken, by Jeremy Riddle.

                                                                                                                

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink

Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

Chorus:

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death

You’ve called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness

I know the cross was the only thing I was able to cling onto for HOPE. But part of me had no hope. I remember feeling that God was sweetly breaking my heart. It hurt SO much. But I also knew that during my time of breaking, I was feeling so dependent and close to Him. I remember how quickly the tears came. I remember how sensitive and vaulnerable I felt before Him. I remember how I KNEW that death wasn’t the end. He had given us life, throught the cross. This became so REAL and I saw the cross and Christ’s suffering from a whole different perspective.

 In my journal, I wrote…

August 10, 2005

“I try to remain hopeful. I want to see her get better. I would love if mom and dad could come to CR for Christmmas. But I also know life is fragile and I can only take one day at a time. I do think about what life would be like if mom died. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. I know that one of the saddest things for me is that Carmelinda won’t remember her. I love watching mom read to her. Carmelinda loves being with her. Carmelinda is very sad to see her grandma sick. I will miss how she cares for me, making sure I’m ok physically, emotionally, and spritually. In some ways I feel like I’ve lost her already. Maybe because I’m caring for her now. I’m used to having her care for me, cook fo rme, etc. I’ve lost that already. Part of me struggles sharing things with her with the uncertainty that she will remember it. It’s a deep sadness. I just wish this wasn’t all happening…

November 17, 2005

DeLynn saw mom, I’ve been thinking a lot about her. He told me she seemed sad. That makes me very sad. He said she didn’t talk much. I worry about her. I think I’m grieving again. I wish her cancer would go away! I was thinking again last night what I’m going to do without her. I’m going to miss her terribly. Why did this have to happen to her? I makes me cry. Carmelinda wanted to call her tonight to pray for her. I wish God would hear her prayers and heal her. I wish Carmelinda would be able to grow up with her. I know I don’t know the future, but at the momento I don’t have much faith.

December 7,2005

A couple of weeks ago, dad emailed me and told me that mom had an MRI. The MRI showed that the tumor had shrunk a little! That is good news. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it being just a “little.” But i do wish it was more! But then, if it keeps shrinking in this next year, maybe it will go away completly! I really hope so.

Held in the Grip of the Love of God -Chapter 4

Carmelinda was so excited to see Grandma. I tried to prepare her by telling her Grandma was sick and we were going to help her get better. It’s hard to explain to a 5 year old what cancer is and all that it involves.

After flying all day, we got to my parents’ home, very late at night. Mom and dad were so excited to see Carmelinda and I, they got up to welcome us. Carmelinda was a little shy around them. We went to bed quite exhausted.

It wasn’t long until I noticed Carmelinda was uncomfortable around mom. The night before was such a late night. I can only imagine what Carmelinda thought of seeing mom for the first time after her surgery with her hair half shaved off and a large scare of the left side of her head. To a child I’m sure it was a traumatic picture. I hadn’t prepared her for that. I thought that maybe the more she would be around mom, the more she would get used to mom’s appearance.

I started getting worried when after a week she hardly ate anything. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I remember asking at the hospital, where we would take mom for her chemotherapy treaments, if they had anything for children that I could use to help Carmelinda understand what was going on. They gave me a wonderful book, where Carmelinda was able to express her feelings through pictures. The book had an easy way to explain what cancer is. Everyday, we would take a little time looking at the book, and while she would work on the book, I would pray that God would somehow help her understand what was happening to mom. When Carmelinda drew pictures, she always drew Grandma with half her hair shaved off. It looked so awkward, and yet so “normal.” It made me sad.

Two weeks went by and then three and Carmelinda still wasn’t eating hardly anything. When she would sit on Grandma’s lap, she often looked sad. When talking with my parents, trying to figure how to help Carmelinda, we decided it would probably be better for mom to cover her head with a scarf, that maybe that’s what was scaring her. But time went on, and Carmelinda still wasn’t eating.

 By week three, I was so desperate. I cried out to the Lord for help. I remember during week three getting a call from our pastor, Pablo Kauffman. Shiloh Mennonite Church, our home church, had mom on the prayer hotline everyday. He called and asked if we had any specific prayer requests. Crying, I told him about Carmelinda and asked for wisdom and prayer. He said he would put it on the prayer hotline. I was so thankful for that call.

That day was a Friday and every Friday evening, Carmelinda and I went on a date, just to give ourselves a break. That night, I took her to Skyline Chili. She loved Skyline Chili! I was hoping it would encourage her to eat! As we sat together in the restaurant, I remember watc hing her pick at her food. I looked at her with compassion and said, “Honey, mommy is SO worried about you. It makes me sad that you’re not eating. If you don’t start eating, I’m going to have to take you to the doctor. Can you please tell me why you can’t eat?” I had had this conversation with her on several occasions, but she just couldn’t tell me what was wrong. Finally, that evening she said softly, “I can’t eat because of Grandma’s head. When I look at her head, I can’t eat.” I was SO relieved that she finally was able to express what was holding her back. At the same time, it made me so sad knowing that Carmelinda was having a hard time.

When talking with my parents about what Carmelinda shared, we decided maybe it would be better to get her a little table and have her eat there at a different time than the rest of us. It seemed to work. I would sit with her while she ate to help her feel more relaxed and because I just wanted to be with her.

One thing we really enjoyed doing with mom was going on walks with her around the neighborhood. Someone gave Carmelinda a little scooter. Mom and I would walk, while Carmelinda would ride ahead of us on her scooter.

When mom started using scarves, I noticed that Carmelinda wanted to use them too! So I bought her some cute scarves so she could be like Grandma.

Carmelinda was also learning to read. She had a couple books she brought along to read to Grandma. Mom LOVED listening to her talk and read. I could tell she was so proud of her!

God used Carmelinda as a healing balm for our whole family! She was so cute and mom had so much fun watching her play. I loved when we were all together making memories. Except, I still missed DeLynn so much and he missed us. I was blessed to have one of my best friends home from furlough over the summer. Her and her husband saw and heard how much I missed DeLynn and offered to buy a ticket for DeLynn to come join us at the end of the summer. It was such a wonderful gift!

So after crying and calling each other often, DeLynn was able to join our family at the end of the summer after all our teams had left.

By the end of the summer, mom was doing pretty good. She was talking more normal again. She was finished with her chemo and radiation. Everyday she was exercising by walking. She was eating well and taking care of herself.

By the time, it was time to say good-byeI knew my work was accomplished. I would miss my family very much, but it was time to return to Costa Rica. The future was still very uncertain, but God gave me peace.