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Dear Mom,



Oh how I miss you. I can't believe it's been five years that you've been in heaven.


When I was a little girl I used to tell you that my heart hurt, well, since you've been gone my heart has hurt many times. Watching you die is something I'm not sure I'll ever get over. And then once you were gone, it left me with this huge hole in my heart.


As I watched you suffer from cancer, my heart could hardly stand it. For a whole year, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was going to loose you. What was my life going to be like? The part that I miss the most is being able to talk to you. You were so wise and always listened and helped me able to process things positively. Since then its been a very painful journey.


Mom, you were amazing. You gave me so many gifts. As I live out my life, I have come to realize even more how good God was to me, in saving my life, and putting me into yours. Thank you for listening and obeying God when He told you, "Your child is here" (flying into Guatemala).


Since you've been in heaven, my life has had it's ups and downs. Right now I'm in the process of much healing, starting from my adoption to the present. Ministry has worn me out and I've wondered if I'm worthy of such a calling. But God is healing my heart and I believe I will come out triumphant. It's been very painful, but it's worth the pain.


I've struggled with the fact of not being able to concieve. How we long to have another child, but God's ways are higher than ours. I know how much you prayed that we would be able to have another child, but God hasn't granted that yet.


My God has become more dear to me. I've experience intimacy with my Heavenly Father in so many new ways. I have Godly people around me helping me in this part of my journey. Including dad. He's been such a blessing to me. He has the gift of listening and helps me think of God's truth. I thank God for him.


Mom, you would be so proud of Carmelinda. She's getting ready to go into Jr. High! She's is almost as tall as I am and now is in the same size shoe and has bigger hands than me! She is as sweet as could be! She loves to talk. I tell her she's my little parakeet. She is smart, creative, loves Jesus, and loves to sing. She has a love for Costa Rica and considers that her home, as do the rest of us. She misses you too and has asked God, "Why did Grandma have to die." She sleeps with the pricess and her stuffed animals that you gave her. She continues to talk about her calling on her life to go to China someday. I kept praying that in the end, she is obedient to God's calling wherever she ends up.


DeLynn, is the love of my life. During my difficult times he has always been there for me. He has served me, loved me, accepted me, prayed for me and I love him very much. Our love has gone much deeper during hard times. He's the perfect man for me.


Right now we are on a six month sabbatical. God is working on all of our lives, bringing healing, restoration, health, refreshment, more anointing, making us stronger in Him, bringing out things in our lives that are unhealthy. We hope to go back to Costa Rica revitalized and ready to continue the work He is preparing for us.


I know your enjoying being with your beloved. I long to be there with you. I keep telling God, '"I'm ready, when you're ready!" I've realized that heaven is where my REAL home is going to be and I can't wait to see Jesus face to face. Sometimes I imagine what you're doing in heaven. Probably talking to all the international people and all your Biblical heroes, and just enjoying every minute with Jesus. I can't wait to be there with you and see you again.


Saying "I miss you" doesn't even come close to how much I miss you.


I love you.


Happy Mother's Day,

Love, Gloria

Wilderness Ways

This was the name of the sermon by Simon Ponsonby, on March 220th. I wrote down a lot of notes, that I wanted to share so that I remember. Simon is from England, he's a teaching vicar somewhere in Oxford. He was a special speaker at the Columbus Vineyard that weekend. Here is what I got out of one of his talks.



Just a side note:

Up until this point, I personally was fighting, kicking and screaming, going into the desert. I was mad and angry and didn't want to go through it since it was going to be painful. After I heard this sermon, I was convinced God had a purpose for our family to be in the United States for six months and not in Costa Rica. I miss Costa Rica terribly, but God has chosen Plain City, Ohio to be the place where He's anointing us and giving us more of His power to continue the work He has given us. That night, I surrendered and gave Him the control.

Luke 3:21-22; 4:1-2






1. Those Spirit-led will be led to the desert.


-He's making me the person I was made to be.


-I must go through the desert to be a benefit to others.


-Jesus did everything right, nothing wrong; meaning we don't go throught the desert because we've done something wrong.


-He takes us to the desert, breaks us, then makes us.


-Generally, the desert is not a place but an experience.


-God does it because He sees what I can be like.


-The desert is like a bootcamp.


-After Jesus returned from the desert, he returned in the POWER of the Spirit.


-Think of a naked tree where eventually the leaves will come out.


2. The wilderness is a place of separation, a place of being cut off, that which is familiar and comfortable, from us.


-God allows:


1. Failure


2. Suffering


3. Humiliation


4. Bereavement


5. Doubt


6. Estrangement


3. The wilderness is a place of splended isolation.


-We come out of the desert leaning on our beloved. (I love that! This is my goal!)


4. The wilderness is a place of dislocation.


-A visit to the desert is letting go of everything that once occupied us.


5. The desert is a place of benediction, where the angels attended Jesus.


6. The desert is not the end, it's just a passing through. But we come out with the power of the Spirit.


7. The wilderness is a place of revelation.


-God moves the clutter, so we can see ourselves and so that we can see God.


-He shows us what we are like and what He is like, so that He can replace us with himself.


8.. The wilderness is a place of consecration.


-How am I going to live? Am I going to use His power given to me? What will I do with the anointing? Will I satisfy myself or will I live for His glory?


-Depending on our response will depend how long it will take!


9. The wilderness is a place of preparation.


-"If you're going through hell, don't stop!"


-He's getting me ready, just like He did with Jesus before Jesus' started his ministry. God did this with Moses, David, John the Baptist and many others.)

A New Picture

In the past, whenever there has been something that I've wanted to avoid, say... loss, grief, hurt, wounds, something I don't want to do, fear, worry; my tendency is to crawl in my turtle shell. That's the way I've always described my way of escape. My shell is hard and gives me protection and I don't have to come out unless I want to and nobody can bother me unless I let them! It's become my refuge, but I've found it to be lonely.


But this week, God gave me a new picture. It comes from Psalms 91: 4, "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge." I find this kind of refuge much more comforting, but still strong enough to sheild me from the "enemy." In verse 1 of the same chapter it tells me I can REST in the shadow of the Almighty. Verse 2 says, "He is my REFUGE and my FORTRESS, my God in whom I TRUST." Verse 3 says, "Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence....his FAITHFULNESS will be your shield and rampart."

Wow! I just love the picture of myself under his wings, secure and protected by my Heavenly Father "because he loves me!" (vs.14)

God's Promises for Me

“A bruised reed he will not break and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.”
Isaiah 42:3



This is the verse that has really spoken to me this week. At the beginning of the week, I was in bed, feeling ready to give up. I didn’t have energy, motivation and just felt overwhelmed by life.


I was wondering if I was going to break. But according, to God’s word, He will give me strength that I won’t break! That gives me So much hope. Right now, my strength is very dependant on His strength. Strength to get up in the morning, strength to be a mom, strength to wash clothes, strength to drive, strength to be around people….you get the picture!

I absolutely love candles. The love for candles was passed on from my mom. She always had a candle on the dinning room table. For me, it helps me relax and I love the different smells they give. I wanted a candle, and yesterday in the mail, a dear friend, sent me one of my favorite candles! I was so touched by God’s goodness, and thinking of the symbol and promise of Him not letting my wick snuff out. There is HOPE.

God's Cocoon of Love

God gave me a picture today of a cocoon. I didn’t know much about how cocoons, so I did some research.

While a lot of people have probably heard about caterpillar Cocoons, they may not know for sure just what these are. Basically, they are nothing more than a protective casing that is around an insect. This is made of either silk or some other similar fibrous material that is then spun around the the insect during their pupal stage, which is the life stage of an insect that is undergoing transformation. While the most common type of Cocoon are those that are found around butterflies or moths, the egg case of a spider is also a type of Cocoon.






Usually an insect will enter into a Cocoon so that they will be protected from a harsh or unfriendly environment. This is why, most of the time insects will spend the wintertime in their Cocoons. So, as the days get shorter and cooler in the fall, these insects will start to spin a silky envelope around themselves. They will then retreat into this Cocoon and spend the winter without the need for food or water.



 

You may be wondering just how these Cocoons are made. Well, they are actually made of silk. This silk is spun from 2 glands that are located inside of an insect. These glands are filled with a material that is thick and glue-like. An insect will then work in a figure 8 in order to wrap themselves up inside of this silk. This material is pressed out of the insect's 2 slender threads. These threads will then stick together as they emerge and then grow hard when fresh air touches them.






This is a very interesting process because it has oftentimes been said that the most beautiful butterflies have actually emerged from the ugliest Cocoons. For this reason, many people consider the process of the Cocoon to be a miracle of nature itself.




I’m totally amazed by this process! God has used the cocoon to protect the insect or butterfly. In Costa Rica, there is a touristic sight called, La Paz Waterfall Gardens. It’s a beautiful place, where one can see all different kinds of cocoons. I remember seeing some cocoons that are gold! One can also see the butterfly come out of its cocoon. It’s an amazing slow and delicate process.


So what am I saying with all this? Right now, I’m going through a process of healing due to the death of my mother that happened 3 1/2 years ago. This is a very painful process for me. And I’m not just talking emotionally painful but sometimes physically painful. My grief is so deep that sometimes I don’t understand it. I’ve gotten to the point, where I’ve realized that I need some guidance to help me process my feelings and emotions. The enemy would like to come in cause confusion and disillusionment, but that’s where God’s Cocoon of Love comes in. I see His cocoon as a place of refuge for me.


I noticed that the insects spend quite a bit of time in the cocoon. They start spinning the silk in the Fall in preparation for the Winter! I’m not a very patient person and I’d like to see this process of healing pass by quickly. But God makes everything beautiful in HIS time, not mine. I would tend to run and say, “OK, God, lets get this over quickly!” But that’s not God’s way of working.


In this process, God is protecting me and healing me at the same time. God’s Cocoon of Love around me has been beautifully crafted. I’d like to picture the cocoon around me is made of the most beautiful silk. Mom used to love silk. When she was sick, she didn’t like to wear wigs, so we bought her some beautiful scarves. One particular scarf was this beautiful burgundy silk scarf. She looked beautiful in it. During her last days, we took a picture of her with a hat with the silk scarf wrapped around it.


This beautiful process is miraculous. God’s healing is miraculous. His love is miraculous. The verse He has given me for this time is:

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Ps. 46:1 (NIV)

“God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.” Ps. 46:1 (The Message)

My sweet mom, that I miss SO much.

Hungry

Last evening DeLynn took me to a “soaking prayer” that they offer at the Columbus Vineyard. This is the second time we’ve gone so we knew what to expect. The last time we went was right before we left for Costa Rica. All day yesterday, I was feeling weak physically and emotionally, so I wasn’t sure I could even pick myself up to go, but DeLynn with his motivational skills persuaded me to go.



The atmosphere is quiet. They have seats set up and a team of people ready to pray for couples or individuals. It’s a very pleasant and safe place to share what’s going on in ones life. We had several people pray for us.


But the thing that grabbed my attention was a paper they handed out to everyone who came in with some instructions of how to open oneself to the Holy Spirit. It was described like a baby bird waiting to get fed. That’s how I’m feeling lately. I need fed. I feel like the little bird with its mouth wide open, vulnerable, weak, defenseless, and hungry.

Here is a song that says what my heart is feeling right now:


“Hungry I come to you for I know You satisfy


I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry


So I wait for You


So I wait for You






I’m falling on my knees


Offering all of me


Jesus your heart is living for






Broken I run to you


I am weary but I know your touch restores my life


So I wait for you


So I wait for you”

A New Season of Life

Have you ever felt that you just can’t give of yourself anymore because you just simply have nothing to give? I’ve actually felt that many times on the mission field, but I continue to give and give. I’ve given of my time, I’ve given of my money, I’ve given of my family, I’ve given of my husband, I’ve given of my wisdom, I’ve given of my whole life. Now it may sound that I’m bitter about giving everything, but I’m certainly not. I believe that’s what God has called ME to do, that is to give of my whole self, and that which surrounds ME! I do it with gladness.



But I’m going through a season of life, where God is saying,

“Now it’s time to rest, lay your burdens aside, come to the green pastures, and receive from me. I have so much to tell you, I want to fill you up until you’re overflowing. I want water to come out of your dry faucet. I want to love on you. I want to spend time with you, just you. I want to heal those areas in your heart that hurt. In your weakness, let ME be your strength. I’ve given you a wonderful husband that is being used of me to serve you during this time. It’s time for you to rest. This time is for you given to you by your Heavenly Father, who knows ALL things. I’m taking good care of Carmelinda too! She’s also my precious daughter. I love you more than you’ll ever know and I will take care of you, the ministry and your family all at the same time. I can do that, you know, because I am God! You don’t need to worry or be anxious, REST, that’s all I want you to do right now. Take a deep breath and let this season of life be a season that will bring about change, restoration, relaxation, joy, gladness, happiness, peace, and so much more that you can’t even dream of! I love you, Gloria!”

Wow, amazing! Today marks a new season of life for me, one that I’ve longed for. I receive it as a gift from Him. Thank you, God! Let this new season begin!!!