Chapter 13-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

July 8, the morning after mom passed away,  I wrote in my journal,

Psalm 65:4,5

“What joy for those you choose to bring near, those who live in your holy courts,

What joy awaits us inside your holy Temple.”

“You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,

O God our Savior,

You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.”

JOY. Ironically, this is the word that comes to mind this morning. This is the verse God gave me this early Saturday morning. God chose to bring mom near to him last night about 9:30. She now lives with Him in His Holy courts. Amazing. Overwhelming. It gives me joy to think that she’s with HIM! Wow! God did answer so many prayers. Too many to count. Again I feel amazed, overwhelmed and full of joy! Wow! He is our hope. He is MY hope. My hope in something I haven’t seen yet; the hope that I have that someday I will see mom again. He is hope for not only me but for the world. That’s what mom’s vision and life was for, for the world. I want to be part of that, hope for others, in that I share the love of God with others all over the world. Just like mom. She not only shared it but lived it. What an amazing woman! I could go on and on and on and on about her life.

Mom meant SO much to me and I will love and miss her forever. The pain of losing her is unbearable. She was my mother, my best friend, and my mentor. It would take pages upon pages to describe what these words encompass. She left me a legacy that I want to continue with my own family and in my own life. I thank God for choosing my mom to be MY MOM. 

Chapter 12-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Mom’s ups and downs continued. Two weeks after I arrived in Ohio, mom seemed to be very well! She even played scrabble with her sister Lovina, who can come for a visit! My return ticket was for July 13. I felt confused as to what God was doing. I was expecting to see mom get worse, but instead we saw her getting better! She also went to church with dad and shocked everybody! I don’t want my readers to think I wanted mom to die, not at all! But my emotions were anticipating a lot of horrible things to happen to mom before she died and our family began to wonder if God had healed her!

One evening, Carmelinda and mom had a race. Louie pushed mom’s wheel chair and Carmelinda went on her scooter. It was really cute! It was such a beautiful evening made with lovely memories.

One afternoon, Carmelinda was reading to mom. It was the book, Clifford the Big Red Dog. Carmelinda started reading when all of a sudden in a very quiet voice, almost a whisper, mom started reading to Carmelinda! Neither one of could believe it! Carmelinda just looked at her and looked at me and then smiled! It was amazing! It was wonderful to hear her!

On 4^th of July, my Uncle Glenn and Aunt Arlene, along with their daughter, Glenda and her daughter, came to visit us.  It was such a nice visit! But the memory I have is when it came time to watch the Plain City fireworks.  We all got ready to sit outside behind mom and dad’s house. We took our lawn chairs and sat just outside dad’s office window. Dad was getting mom ready for bed. Mom couldn't talk but somehow communicated to Dad that she wanted to see the fireworks too! So dad put her in her wheel chair and took her over to the office window and the two of them watched the fireworks along with us!

July 8, 2006 I wrote in my journal…

Psalms 65:4,5

“What joy for those you choose to bring near, those who live in your holy courts,

What joy awaits us inside your Holy Temple.”

“You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,

O God our Savior,

You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.”

JOY, ironically this is the word that comes to mind this early Saturday morning. God chose to bring mom near to him last night about 9:30pm. She now lives with him in His Holy courts! Amazing! Overwhelming! It gives me joy to think that she’s with HIM! Wow! God did answer SO many prayers. Too many to count! He is my hope. My hope in something I have not yet seen. The hope I have that someday I will see mom again. He is hope not only for me but for the world. That’s what mom’s vision for life was, for the world! I want to be a part of that, hope for others, in that I share the love of God with others all over the world, just like mom. She not only shared it but lived it. What an amazing woman!

I’m still in shock. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest literally aches. I feel numb. My body is tired from lack of sleep. I slept 4 hours last night.

Let me share about my last day with mom. It was a Friday morning, Carmelinda, Dad and I took care of mom. I remember her sitting at the kitchen table watching her do her hand exercises with a small rubber ball. I remember trying to encourage her to keep squeezing the ball as hard as she could! Once Carmelinda came around, mom livened up! I remember kissing mom good bye on her forehead. I also remember giving her a hug. Her body seemed so frail.

Little did I know when I left later that morning to visit my friend, Lynette that would be the last time I would speak to her. I had plans to visit my friend for the afternoon and then take Carmelinda on a date, which was our custom every Friday night. Friday nights were a good time for us to go on a date since mom and dad held a Spanish bible study in their home with a few friends from church.  So after going to the mall and eating a yummy Auntie Ann’s pretzel, we were headed to Wallmart. But as we pulling into the parking lot I told Carmelinda I was tired and didn't feel like it. Carmelinda siad, "Yea, lets go home and watch Princess Diaries and say good night to Grandma." So we headed home.

Meanwhile, at home, mom and dad were having a Bible study sitting around the table. Mom joined them. During the study, dad noticed mom was not acting herself. So he finished the study and ended quickly. As he helped mom walk to her bed she was having trouble breathing. Mom barely made it to her bed.

Upon arriving to mom and dad’s house, the hospice nurse, Mary, was pulling in too.  I asked Mary what she was doing at our house. She said dad and Louie had called her. She went running into the house.  Carmelinda and I followed. As I walked into the house, Louie greeted me and told us that she was having trouble breathing. I wasn't sure what to do with Carmelinda. And honestly, I’m still not sure I did the right thing! But we called our friend, Emily, who was working at DerDutchman that evening and was coming off her shift, to see if she could take Carmelinda. I wasn’t sure if I wanted Carmelinda to see all that was happening, since I just wasn't sure what was going to happen!

Everything happened so fast! Too fast! All along I tried to prepare myself for this moment, but when I was face to face with death, I didn't know how to cope! As I walked into mom and dad’s room, mom was struggling. She had her hand on her heart, which made us think maybe she was having pain in her heart.  It was SO hard to see. I felt SO hopeless. I was glad Mary was there. She gave mom morphine to help her relax. But the next thing I hear her saying is, “It’s time to say good bye.” Good bye??? I wasn't ready to do that! Not yet! I was in shock! As I said, “Mom, I release you to Jesus, go to Jesus. Thank You. Bye. I love you.” I couldn't even believe what I was saying! It was all so serial. From one moment to the next, she was gone.

As we watched her go, God gave me the words, “I have fought the battle, I have kept the faith.” Life wasn’t easy for her. She lost many of her loved ones already, but in all of her disappointments in life she kept the faith. She was truly a woman of God, one that many admired and looked up to. For me, she was my hero, my spiritual hero, my mentor, my best friend. My MOM.

As mom laid there, I was drawn to her hands. They were wrinkly and still warm. But a rush of thankfulness came upon me thinking about all the countless times her hands served me, comforted me, and loved me, and of course, so many others. I couldn’t stop crying as I thought about this. God had sent me such a wonderful mom to care for me all these years!

We had Emily bring Carmelinda over to the house right away. Carmelinda took it really hard. She cried like crazy and wanted to see Grandma right away. She was upset with me because she wanted to be with us. It was hard to listen to her and watch her. As I think about it, it makes me incredibly sad. Carmelinda laid beside mom and put her arm around her and told her good bye. We were all crying. Dad suggested we pray. We did. Carmelinda’s prayer was the most beautiful and so simple, “Thank You God that Grandma can walk and talk now and that I get to see her again in heaven!”

Later that evening, the pastors and their wives from Shiloh Mennonite Church came to express their condolences. We spent time praying and singing around mom. It was a special moment for me. I felt supported and loved by them, since they have been people in my life that have been there for me and were definitely there for mom and dad. So thank you, Pablo and Judy, Jon and Dawn, Arnold and Linda, and Jerry and Denise.

God answered my prayer in that I was able to be with mom when she went from this earth to be with her beloved Father. I am so grateful for this gift. It was a day and a moment I will never forget. Someday I will be there too. But for now, I just want to be faithful and at least half the mom my mom was to me! I thank God for the example He gave me.  

Chapter 11-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

October 17,2013

Flying to the States for the last time to see mom seemed so serial. I couldn't believe I was going home to say, "good-bye" to MOM. I knew we had about four to six weeks with her.  I was terribly sad. We decided that Carmelinda was to go with me. She was now almost 6 years old. I tried hard to prepare her to what we were going to Grandpa's house for.

I was SO glad I took her. She was a joy to have around! God used her once again as a healing balm for our family. She was so sweet with mom. She enjoyed wheeling mom around on the wheel chair. She would hold her hand while the therapist gave her leg and feet messages.  She enjoyed reading to her.  I could tell mom loved every minute of it!

Carmelinda loved praying for mom. She would ask God to heal mom so that she and her could walk and talk again. She asked my Aunt Susie that was visiting, when Grandma was going to talk again. Aunt Susie told her that when she sees Jesus she will be able to talk again. Aunt Susie told her the story of my Uncle Mike and Grandpa Gingerich, others who have gone ahead. Aunt Susie is such a good story teller, Carmelinda must have caught on to the excitement because Carmelinda exclaimed, “I want to go too!”

During the first several weeks after mom came home, she had two seizures. This was expected due to the tumor growing. For Carmelinda’s sake, I was glad she didn’t see these happen.

The next weeks were an up and down emotional roller coaster ride. Mom had her good days and her not so good days. At times she talked and walked more to where we wondered if God was healing her! It was confusing for me. I expected her to decline rapidly over the weeks, but that didn’t happen.

God was SO merciful to her and gave us some wonderful memories with her, memories I will cherish forever!

On one Sunday, Carmelinda and I took care of her while dad went to church. We were able to sing and read to her. Carmelinda was so funny and cute and told Grandma stories.

On Father’s Day, we had a special lunch and that night we had a very special surprise for mom. The Spanish church came with their guitars and sang for mom. There were nine men with nine guitars that sang. The house was packed with Latin’s!  It was SO beautiful. The Spanish church looked at mom as a “spiritual mom.” I believe it was a sneak peak into heaven for mom!

June 19, was mom’s 67^th birthday. Louie and I bought her 67 roses. They were beautiful! She also got all kinds of other flowers. Sandy Gordon brought us lunch. She brought fish since she knew mom loved fish! Dad gave mom a very sentimental gift. He gave her a new nightgown and then a photo plaque that had two sides. One the one side was a picture of them. The picture was of them standing in front of the house, both with their straw hats. Dad with his Amish hat that was given to him and mom with her cute straw hat that has a scarf around it! On the other side of the plaque, Dad had printed out a poem that he had written mom about two years prior at a Marriage Encounter. He said he refined the poem and decided to give it to her. Here it is:

I love you for your single-handed

Mattress relocation;

But I promise you again my love

In every situation.

I love you yet when you’re too feeble

To even comb your hair;

When you’ve spent your faithful efforts

With no energies to spare;

When you sit beside the window

With a far-off look in your eyes

Recalling by gone days when

We shot across the skies

In quest of sweet adventures

As we took the mighty word

To humble huts and

Mansions rich

For those who hadn’t heard;

And prayed and preached and

Comforted,

Defying cold despair

In hopeful expectation of

God’s intervention there;

I’ll love you to the very end

Of our pilgrimage together,

And hope the Lord will let us just

Be married forever and ever.

Written by Elam Stauffer

To Doris Stauffer

Refined 6-19-00

As mom read the poem, she cried. We all did. My thoughts were thoughts of sadness and wondering if this would be her last birthday. It was so bitter sweet.

Chapter 9-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Mom's speech continued to maintain the same. Nothing she said made sense. The doctors started reducing the anti-seizure drug. I don't know the name, something complicated! But the medication can make one feel pretty out of it. It caused her to become almost unresponsive. She struggled a lot during this time. I wonder if she was trying to make sense of it all. I don't know. I know I was! 

During this time, my heart continued to literally hurt. I was tired and exhausted emotionally and physically. I now know, that is normal for someone that takes care of someone under intense sickness, such as cancer. 
The pain in my heart kept me up at night. I guessed it was anxiety and stress. 

On May 7, 2006, in my journal I wrote,

"I am feeling much better today. Mom is doing much better as of yesterday. What a hard week! The last wo days she's been more herself. I think the contributing factor has beent he way they are giving mom her medication. Up until now, she's been recieving her Decatron orally, but 1 day ago, they have been giving it to her through an IV. It has made a world of difference. She is more alert. She has actually been able to say sentences! She's up and walking! She's smiling and laughing! It's so nice to see and experience."

That same week, we were told, there was really nothing else the doctors could do. Hospice was called in. Dad and I were able to make the final preparations, before I left for Costa Rica. Mom was able to go home shortly after I left. 

Being back home in Costa Rica was SO hard. I cried a lot. 

I called mom for Mother's Day. She was still having trouble talking. She managed to get out "Hello, Carmelinda," but that was it. My heart was broken. It was so hard for me not to be able to talk to her. She tried so hard. I wish I knew what she was trying to tell me. 

The day after, I had a major crying spell, just thinking how much I missed my conversations with mom. 




Chapter 10

My chest pains continued. I had difficulty breathing at times. I noticed that when I started talking about mom I found myself gasping for breath. I also noticed that the pains were lasting longer. I felt my chest get right and felt a lot of pressure. It was very uncomfortable. I knew something wasn't right. I guessed it was something linked with mom's condition. I wasn't sleeping well either. I made an appointment with our family doctor. I took some tests and everything came back normal. He informed me that I was suffering from panic attacks due to the intense stress of the past year. He suggested I take some anti-depressants and some muscle relaxants to help my body through the trauma I was experiencing. This was hard to take all in. I was in shock. I had never heard of panic attacks! What was wrong with me! 

Ps. 119
v.25 "I lie in the dust, completly discouraged; receive me by your word."
v.28 "I weep with grief; encourage me by your word." 

May 6, 2006

"Today we are going to be recieving MRI results that will determine the condition of mom's tumor. Sunday morning, I got a call around 5:00am telling me that dad had called the squad. They took mom to the hospital. She had been vomiting and couldn't even keep waster down. She was also so out of it that dad couldn't wake her up. Dad realized there wasn't anything he could do anymore so he called the squad. 

They found out her brain was swollen. When the brain gets this way, the body starts shutting down. She has been having trouble swollowing. She's been lathargic a lot. She's been getting weaker as time is progressing. 

She's now in the ICU at Grant Hospital. Our gut feeling is that the news won't be good. In talking with dad and Louie yesterday, I think we're ready to hera it. I know it might take some time for it to sink in, but I want to accept God's will, not mine."

During this time I read a book called, Surrender It was written by a man who had cancer in his lymph nodes and eventually the cancer spread. The last chapter was written by his friend, since the author passed away. 

The word surrender meant for me that I was to give up mom, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations, everything that I ever thought would happen in the future. This was much easier said than done! 

One of my desires was to be mom until the end. I told dad to please tell me when the doctor told him that mom's days were few. I asked God to grant me that desire. 

While mom was in ICU, we were told, that mom was near the end. Due to the condition of her brain, the doctor expected mom to live 4-6 weeks longer. DeLynn released me and Carmelinda, with love, to go be with mom during her last days. He needed to stay in Costa Rica,since summer was starting and he needed to be there for ministry purposes. 

I tried hard to prepare Carmelinda for what was to come, although, I didn't really know what was to come myself! 

Chapter 8-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

On April 24, 2006, I wrote in my journal,

“Today was a good day, even though I’m tired. I don’t feel like I do anything but yet at night I feel exhausted and worn out.

Mom is doing well. It seems as though her right arm and leg are a little weak. They are talking with us about rehabilitation. Right now we’re not sure what that means. She still has difficulty in her speech. Like last time, her Spanish comes easier for her. It’s funny! She’s starts talking in Spanish, so the therapist tries to get her on the English track.

This afternoon mom took a nap and then decided she had laid down long enough. She started to take off her leg circulators and wanted to start disconnecting her IV’s. I asked her what she was doing, she said she wanted to walk. She said, ‘I’m not the type to just sit around!’ The nurse told us she did the same thing in the morning. They put the bed rails up so she can’t get out on her own. This makes me sad, knowing that she’s confused.”

April 28, I wrote,

“A range of emotions are filing my heart today. I’ve been pretty emotional these last two days.

Mom is now at a rehab center at Riverside Hospital. Today is her first day of hard work. She is now resting and completely worn out. I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t have to go through it. She does really good walking. She’s a trooper. She walked around the halls twice. Then she walked up some stairs and back down!

She also had speech therapy, that made me cry. Her speech is hardly understandable, in that she didn’t hardly make a bit of sense. The speech therapist gave her some commands that she could hardly follow. The therapist pulled out objects out of a box that mom had to name. Mom couldn’t name them. Her Spanish kept coming out at times, but even her Spanish didn’t make sense.

The whole time I watched her try so hard, it just gave me such deep sadness. To think she used to be so sharp and had the art of communication. She was also a very good Spanish teacher and did so well at teaching others. She was also the type to be active and smart. To see her like this is unbearable for me to watch.

I still can’t believe she has cancer. I never even fathomed her having to go through this. She always took care of her body. She always ate the right foods. She was and still is my roll model for so many things. I guess I’m just wondering why her God? And yet I don’t blame God, I blame sin. I’m feeling some anger about that. It just gives me such a deep sadness. I wish there was something I could do to make things perfect like they were before. I know this is part of the grieving process of letting her go. I know that when that day comes, for sure, it will be unbearable!” 

Chapter 7 Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Saying goodbye to mom was painful. Again, I didn’t know what the future would hold for mom. What I didn’t know was that that was the last time mom and I would be able to have a normal conversation with her face to face. Looking back, I wish I would have asked her a lot more questions.

When Mom and Dad got back to the States, mom slowly started deteriorating again. Dad and especially, Louie would tell me how mom was doing. He said having a conversation with her was so difficult. She couldn’t even get simple words out. And that watching mom loose her gift of conversation was really hard. She would get frustrated and end up crying. Dad and Louie tried to ask lots of questions to help the conversation.

On one occasion, Louie walked into the house and found mom packing Dad’s lunch in the dark. She didn’t even seem to notice or even care. This made me so sad.

Dad said that mom didn’t want anything that would put her in the hospital like the IV drip. This was hard for Dad to hear. But we all knew her eyes were set on heaven and that’s where she wanted to be. At times, this made me angry, that she didn’t want to be with us! But I also knew she just wanted to be with her Heavenly Father and she was going to be able to experience so much JOY! I was selfish to want her to stay.

On April 14, DeLynn’s birthday, I talked with Dad and the doctors were recommending a second surgery. I had a lot of feeling in thinking of round 2. I hated to think of mom having to go through a second surgery and the recovery process again. Last time, it seemed to take so long for her to be “normal” again. The stakes were high, but Dad thought it the best decision and I was planning to be there to support him.

The follow is a song God gave me as I prepared to fly up to Ohio to be with Mom..

Book of Joy

By Sheila Walsh

Open to me word of wisdom in the midst of life’s dark days

Take away my human blindness, give me eyes to see your ways.

I am weak without your goodness,

I am lost without your light.

Word of God, sweet breath of heaven,

Shine upon this child tonight.

Open to me word of kindness, when my heart is sad within

Help me rise above the sorrow, singing songs of joy again.

I lift my voice to worship,

Thankful for your gift of grace.

Friend until I see your face.

Open now the halls of heaven to each child who seeks your face,

Mercy flowing like a river from the Christ who took our place.

Word of life,

Sweet breath of heaven,

Love of every love to me.

On April 17, I flew up to be with Dad and Louie. Surgery, was to be done on Friday. The plan was to put 10 wafers in mom’s head around the tumor. This time, we waited alone as a family until the surgery was finished. We were told the surgery would take 7 to 8 hours, but before we knew it the doctor informed us he was finished, 2 ½ hours later. He told us the surgery was shortened because it was just too risky and the cancer had started hitting areas in her brain that were affecting her speech, body movements etc. When I went into see her, her head was all bandaged up. I hated seeing her that way.

This time around, I had decided to take it easy on myself since the first time, I felt like I had to spend all day at the hospital. I found out pretty quickly that it was exhausting emotionally and physically. I was glad I made this decision, since mom’s recuperation ended up being VERY hard to watch. The side effects of the surgery were unbearable. 

Chapter 6- Held in the Grip of Love of God

Mom and Dad chose not come for Christmas. Tickets are always high in over Christmas. But the decision was made that they would come in February. As I thought about seeing mom again, I had a lot of mixed feelings again. Having her present meant that I had to face reality. Having so many miles between meant that I didn’t have to think about it, only when I wanted to. So I could turn off my pain. But having them come meant that this would probably be the last time we would all be together as a family since the suspicious activity in her brain had continued. The doctor told them to go ahead and plan to go to Costa Rica and when they came back they could make decisions concerning the future.

While they spent time with us, the other activities that were going on at the same time was having some work teams around, having some other company, as well as, hosting a Marriage Encounter. I was worried about how mom would be able handle all this in her state.

In my diary I wrote,

February 6, 2006

“I feel like my emotions are piling up again. I’m also really struggling again with not being pregnant yet…

Lord, please help me. I feel like my anger is my enemy that keeps creeping up. I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to conquer it and make it go away! I wish I could just get over it and accept it and move on. It’s such a struggle. It makes me cry. But these are the two things (mom’s health and infertility) that I don’t’ want to think about because they hurt SO much.”

I remember the call I got two days later. We had been waiting on the results of her MRI and what the suspicious activity meant. The tests indicated that there was inflammation on mom’s left lobe. It was significant enough that the doctors decided to discontinue her experimental drug chemotherapy. This wasn't good news for any of us. The plan was for her to take the experimental drug for a year, and it had only been four months! The doctor informed us that there were other alternatives that would help to prolong her life. The doctor made it clear that without treatment mom had several months to live. Remember, this tumor was a fast growing tumor.

I remember the feeling of hopeless setting in, feeling numb. Having to make decisions about treatments concerning life and death concerning my sweet mom was a reality I didn’t want to face. I hated the thought! It makes me tremble just remembering it all.

I remember seeing mom and dad come out of the airport when we picked them up. Mom had a wig on. She looked so different. It was going to take some time getting used to. I hoped Carmelinda would be ok with seeing mom again.

Mom and dad stayed at the base at the guest house since we had such a small house. There are several things that stick out to me during her stay. As I remember, it feels like such a long time ago. There are times when I think I should have been a better host. I should have taken care of mom better during her stay. I should have spent more time with her, asking her questions that now I have.

While mom was visiting I was suffering for a terrible toothache that in the end needed to be pulled. Mom not only went with me to the dentist, she took care of me when I came home. She made me jello and took care of Carmelinda! I remember lying in bed and hearing Carmelinda (age 5 ½) and mom having a “tea party” in the next room and Carmelinda asking mom, “Grandma, so how are you doing?” Mom responded, “Well, I’m doing alright!” I remember wanting to cry, realizing that this would be the last tea party they would have together.

On another occasion, I needed to go to the store. I asked mom if she wanted to go with me half expecting her to decline. But instead she said, “Sure!” And I said, “Don’t you want to stay home and rest?” And she said, “NO, I gotta live it up!”

I also remember traveling with our company that was visiting us at the time along with mom and dad and Carmelinda and going from La Fortuna to Puerto Viejo. What should have taken several hours took all afternoon and into the evening. I was driving and got lost. We ended up at the border of Nicaragua!!! But what I remember was thinking mom must have been exhausted, but I never heard one complaint out of her. She and dad chose to sit in the back seat of the van. I can’t believe they did that taking into consideration her state! I would have wanted an air conditioned car, a seat in the front, and I’m pretty sure I would have complained about something! But not mom!

One of the major reasons mom and dad came to Costa Rica was to hold one more Marriage Encounter with mom present. It was difficult for all of us during the weekend, knowing this was the last one. I remember mom crying a little more often while reading her story to the couples. We all cried. At the end of the encounter, the couples gathered around mom and prayed, Latin style, which means they all prayed at once, out loud. I remember watching and hearing their prayers and saying to God, “please hear their prayers!”

I also remember one day walking into their room with a question. Their door room was closed. I remember opening it and to my surprise mom had her wig off. This was the first time during their visit I saw her head. She had very little hair. It looked so strange. I remember walking away feeling in a daze and sad. Reality hit me again.

But the highlight of the trip for mom was taking her, just out family, to Playa Hermosa in Guanacaste. It was SO beautiful and we ended up staying at the same place my family used to go to 30 years earlier. Mom loved every minute of it! We swam together. Dad helped to teach Carmelinda to swim. Mom, Carmelinda and I sat in the jacuzzi. Seeing mom in a bathing suit made me sad since she was so skinny, but being together as a family filled me with so much JOY. My brother Louie also came from Ohio for this last family time. We ate fresh fruit for breakfast, ate fish for lunch and just enjoyed being together. There were monkeys in the trees that entertained us. The view was magnificent.

One of our last evening together, we all sat on beach chairs facing the ocean watching the sunset. Carmelinda played in the sand. I don’t know how much she understood of what we were talking about. The reality was inevitable. It was time to have a family meeting concerning mom’s future. We all wanted to hear from mom and listen to what her desires were. She made it clear that she was ready to go but was open to what we thought about different treatments. In the end, the decision was going to be up to mom and dad.

(This was probably one of the hardest entries for me to write. I feel dizzy, numb and tired. Please excuse any errors written since I just kind of feel out of it and wanted to get this part of my story over with.)