As I
struggled to get my words out, I thought to myself, “not again!” It was all too
familiar. My body felt like it was shutting down and my mind was taking over.
It’s amazing what comes out in your most vulnerable moments when you feel you
have no control of what is going on around you. This is how it felt for me this
past Tuesday morning while experiencing my panic attack.
If you have
been following me on my blog, you will know that panic attacks are something
that I have struggled with for many reasons. You will also know that God has
been healing me of my panic attacks. Obviously, I’d like the healing to come
quicker, but God’s timing is perfect.
One might
think, how can you talk about this openly? I do because I want to give
testimony of God’s power. In my weakness, God IS made strong.
A few weeks
ago, my friend, had to make the extremely and excruciating decision of what to
do with her 1 year and 9 month old son. Her son came into this world through
unfortunate circumstances that were beyond her control. I’ve watched and cried
as I’ve seen her struggle in caring for her son. She loves him with her whole
being. He brings her SO much joy and has changed her life. But it’s during the
difficult moments she desires to give her son everything but simply can’t,
especially some of the basic necessities a growing baby needs. So what should
she do? I counseled and prayed for her. I offered to care for him. Her mother offered to care for him, but that
meant they would have to live in two separate countries. What should she do?
How long would it be until she would see her son again? She couldn’t sleep or
eat but she knew she had to make a decision soon for the well-being of her son.
I waited to hear her decision. After two weeks, she told me she decided to send
him to her mother to care for him. I felt such sadness because I loved her son
so much but I also made the decision that I wanted to respect her decision as
Dylan’s mom.
Last
Saturday, I spend my last evening with him, just him and I. They were moments I
will never forget. I took lots of pictures and tried to enjoy the moment. I heard him say “mamaw” one last time. I
prayed for him and blessed him and he fell asleep in my arms until his mommy
came to take him.
Last
Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling under the weather, very under the weather. It
was my turn to help at El Nido, so I thought I would go over and at least get
things started. But as the morning wore on, I felt worse and worse. I remember
at one point, three people asking me questions at the same time and feeling
very confused and frustrated that I wasn’t feeling good enough to help them. I
started feeling overwhelmed, especially when I was asked to look for a letter written
for a client in my computer. It was a letter that had been written by one of
our counselors asking the Costa Rican children’s services to take into account
that one of our mothers has been attending parenting classes and was really
making an effort to be a good mother. You see, the children’s services have
already taken five of her children, and she is fighting and trying to do
everything she can so they don’t take her latest baby girl away.
In the
middle of this caos, there came a moment when I asked my daughter, Carmelinda,
to go get my husband, DeLynn to come help me find the letter for our client.
She left right away. It was probably 2-3 minutes later DeLynn came. By this time,
I felt SO bad physically, I looked at him with sternness in my eyes and said,
“Take me home, NOW.” I was feeling an urgency to get out of there quickly. He
helped me stand up and helped me walk out the door of El Nido.
Little did
I know what was coming next. I made it to the first gate and suddenly collapsed
in Delynn’s arms. I remember saying, “I’m having a panic attack.” He carried me
to the car and took me home.
During a
panic attack, one’s mind takes over and reality becomes dimmed. I personally think
it’s the enemies attack on that person to try to believe his lies. One starts
saying things aren’t true, as if things have happened already, or going to the
extreme of ones thoughts. This is where DeLynn comes in. He starts praying for
me and counteracts lies with the true. The truth is what sets me free. The
enemy hates the truth. Tuesday morning,
the enemy said several things such as, “They took the baby away from her!”
“They took Dylan away from me” to “they took me away from my mother.”
As I’ve
processed all this, God has spoken truth and that’s what I want to focus on
here. TRUTH. The truth is that the baby girl has NOT been taken away from her
mother. We still have the chance to help her with the letter and with our
prayers. There is still HOPE. The second truth is that even though Dylan lives
far away, doesn’t mean I can’t visit him or talk to him on the phone.
But what
affect me the most was when I said, “They took me away from my mother.” There is
a lot of emotions and pain in this statement. I believe this is the root of
where this panic attack came from. The enemy wanted me to believe that when I was taken from my biological mother
there was no hope. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Here is the picture God gave me yesterday
of what REALY happened!
I saw
myself wrapped in a blanket as a tiny infant. My biological mother was holding
me. He gently took me from my mother and walked a few steps to where my adopted
mother was waiting and gave me to her. Between the steps of my biological
mother to my adoptive mother Jesus was holding me. There was no fear; the
picture I saw was FULL of PEACE!
Psychologically
speaking, the hippocampus of an infant will recall this event as very
traumatic. So even if I don’t remember the circumstances surrounding the events
of my adoption, somewhere that memory has been stored as a painful memory. The
enemy would like me to focus on that pain. But God wants to heal that pain and
give me HIS perspective.
In order
for Him to fulfill his plan for my life, He had to physically remove me from
where I started so He could accomplish His work in order to write the end of my
story. And that story is not over yet!
