Chapter 8-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

On April 24, 2006, I wrote in my journal,

“Today was a good day, even though I’m tired. I don’t feel like I do anything but yet at night I feel exhausted and worn out.

Mom is doing well. It seems as though her right arm and leg are a little weak. They are talking with us about rehabilitation. Right now we’re not sure what that means. She still has difficulty in her speech. Like last time, her Spanish comes easier for her. It’s funny! She’s starts talking in Spanish, so the therapist tries to get her on the English track.

This afternoon mom took a nap and then decided she had laid down long enough. She started to take off her leg circulators and wanted to start disconnecting her IV’s. I asked her what she was doing, she said she wanted to walk. She said, ‘I’m not the type to just sit around!’ The nurse told us she did the same thing in the morning. They put the bed rails up so she can’t get out on her own. This makes me sad, knowing that she’s confused.”

April 28, I wrote,

“A range of emotions are filing my heart today. I’ve been pretty emotional these last two days.

Mom is now at a rehab center at Riverside Hospital. Today is her first day of hard work. She is now resting and completely worn out. I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t have to go through it. She does really good walking. She’s a trooper. She walked around the halls twice. Then she walked up some stairs and back down!

She also had speech therapy, that made me cry. Her speech is hardly understandable, in that she didn’t hardly make a bit of sense. The speech therapist gave her some commands that she could hardly follow. The therapist pulled out objects out of a box that mom had to name. Mom couldn’t name them. Her Spanish kept coming out at times, but even her Spanish didn’t make sense.

The whole time I watched her try so hard, it just gave me such deep sadness. To think she used to be so sharp and had the art of communication. She was also a very good Spanish teacher and did so well at teaching others. She was also the type to be active and smart. To see her like this is unbearable for me to watch.

I still can’t believe she has cancer. I never even fathomed her having to go through this. She always took care of her body. She always ate the right foods. She was and still is my roll model for so many things. I guess I’m just wondering why her God? And yet I don’t blame God, I blame sin. I’m feeling some anger about that. It just gives me such a deep sadness. I wish there was something I could do to make things perfect like they were before. I know this is part of the grieving process of letting her go. I know that when that day comes, for sure, it will be unbearable!”