Sunday, May 19, 2013

Chapter 7 Held in the Grip of the Love of God


Saying goodbye to mom was painful. Again, I didn’t know what the future would hold for mom. What I didn’t know was that that was the last time mom and I would be able to have a normal conversation with her face to face. Looking back, I wish I would have asked her a lot more questions.

When Mom and Dad got back to the States, mom slowly started deteriorating again. Dad and especially, Louie would tell me how mom was doing. He said having a conversation with her was so difficult. She couldn’t even get simple words out. And that watching mom loose her gift of conversation was really hard. She would get frustrated and end up crying. Dad and Louie tried to ask lots of questions to help the conversation.

On one occasion, Louie walked into the house and found mom packing Dad’s lunch in the dark. She didn’t even seem to notice or even care. This made me so sad.

Dad said that mom didn’t want anything that would put her in the hospital like the IV drip. This was hard for Dad to hear. But we all knew her eyes were set on heaven and that’s where she wanted to be. At times, this made me angry, that she didn’t want to be with us! But I also knew she just wanted to be with her Heavenly Father and she was going to be able to experience so much JOY! I was selfish to want her to stay.

On April 14, DeLynn’s birthday, I talked with Dad and the doctors were recommending a second surgery. I had a lot of feeling in thinking of round 2. I hated to think of mom having to go through a second surgery and the recovery process again. Last time, it seemed to take so long for her to be “normal” again. The stakes were high, but Dad thought it the best decision and I was planning to be there to support him.

The follow is a song God gave me as I prepared to fly up to Ohio to be with Mom..

Book of Joy
By Sheila Walsh

Open to me word of wisdom in the midst of life’s dark days
Take away my human blindness, give me eyes to see your ways.
I am weak without your goodness,
I am lost without your light.
Word of God, sweet breath of heaven,
Shine upon this child tonight.

Open to me word of kindness, when my heart is sad within
Help me rise above the sorrow, singing songs of joy again.
I lift my voice to worship,
Thankful for your gift of grace.
Friend until I see your face.

Open now the halls of heaven to each child who seeks your face,
Mercy flowing like a river from the Christ who took our place.
Word of life,
Sweet breath of heaven,
Love of every love to me.


On April 17, I flew up to be with Dad and Louie. Surgery, was to be done on Friday. The plan was to put 10 wafers in mom’s head around the tumor. This time, we waited alone as a family until the surgery was finished. We were told the surgery would take 7 to 8 hours, but before we knew it the doctor informed us he was finished, 2 ½ hours later. He told us the surgery was shortened because it was just too risky and the cancer had started hitting areas in her brain that were affecting her speech, body movements etc. When I went into see her, her head was all bandaged up. I hated seeing her that way.

This time around, I had decided to take it easy on myself since the first time, I felt like I had to spend all day at the hospital. I found out pretty quickly that it was exhausting emotionally and physically. I was glad I made this decision, since mom’s recuperation ended up being VERY hard to watch. The side effects of the surgery were unbearable. 

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