Gloria's Ways vs God's Ways

A week ago I was anxiously getting ready to leave Costa Rica.  I was feeling ready for a break from ministry and extremely excited about seeing my pregnant sister-in-law, and of course my brother and dad. I had bought some special gifts for the new baby and for dad since he had just celebrated his birthday. My bags were packed ready to go!

I asked my friend Laura to pray for me before I left. In my trips to the States before it just seems that things haven’t always gone like I expected. My last trip, I was suffering from a perforation in my ear. I was in an extreme amount of pain and the time before I was having severe stomach problems. I shared with Laura that I really wanted this trip to be peaceful and that nothing uneventful would happen, except the birth of the baby. So we prayed together. I felt confident.

I cried when I left Costa Rica, knowing that being gone six weeks meant I would miss everything. At the same time, I couldn't wait to be in the United States. I had decided on six weeks because I wanted to make sure I had enough time with the new baby and with my family. My flight left at 6:00pm and I arrived in Ohio at 11:45am.

Little did I know what was happening in Ohio during my travels! My brother and sister-in-law were at the airport to meet me. No sooner had I gotten in the car when my brother asked, “Did you hear about dad?” Immediately, my heart sank. He proceeded to tell me that Dad was admitted to Riverside Hospital and was looking at having bypass surgery at the beginning of the week. I was in shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I wasn't sure to cry or scream or what! But I kept myself composed.

How could this be happening! Hadn't I just asked God to give me an uneventful trip where I was going to experience happiness for once! As time went on, I began to realize what all this type of surgery and recovery would entail! I hadn't signed up for this! Since mom’s passing, I've not like hospitals. They give me bad memories and worse yet, this was the same hospital! I felt my anger creep up. Then I felt sadness that dad had to go through this. Then I felt worried for my sister-in-law. Then I felt overwhelmed for my brother. Not to mention confusion, frustration, and a number of other emotions.

That night, on the way home I began to let my emotions show. I thank God for a husband and God that can handle someone like me! I cried out to God and let Him know I was NOT happy! How could he let this happen NOW! Couldn't He have picked a better time!!! I knew I was extremely tired and needed a good night’s rest and that that could have an effect on how I was doing. But either way, I was pretty upset with God!

After a few mornings of going to the hospital and being with dad, I pulled out a book, He Loves Me. I had started reading it during my travels and was anxious to continue. Sometimes we think when something “bad” happens to us, it’s because God doesn't love us. And then when something “good” happens to us then it means God loves us. It’s like pulling the pedals off the flower and saying, “He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me, He loves me not…” We tend to gauge His love on our circumstances. Sadly, this is how I often place my trust. I tend to trust him much more during the times things are going well for me. The problem is that my perception is often not reality. God’s ways are much higher than my ways. Even though life doesn't treat me like I’d like it to treat me doesn't mean God loves me less. God’s desire is that my relationship grows so deep and my trust becomes so secure that I wouldn't desire any other thing.

So the other morning I told God, “I’m willing to go through this if it means that my relationship with you will be ever stronger and deeper.” It’s when I surrender to God’s will that God can release His power through me and so much more.

I also started looking at the positives of this particular circumstance.  1) I got here just in time, 2) DeLynn has been with me (themoral support)(He leaves Monday), 3) I had already planned to stay until the end of October, enough time for the major part of the recuperation time for Dad, 4) We found a wonderful rehab place where our family knows will help dad recuperate faster, 5) I am enjoying seeing my family much more than planned, 6) I am able to be with dad so my brother can concentrate on his new baby (still waiting). I am sure there will be much more positives and praises as time goes on. God’s timing IS perfect and I CAN trust Him with it. Praise the Lord.

The Story Is Not Over

As I struggled to get my words out, I thought to myself, “not again!” It was all too familiar. My body felt like it was shutting down and my mind was taking over. It’s amazing what comes out in your most vulnerable moments when you feel you have no control of what is going on around you. This is how it felt for me this past Tuesday morning while experiencing my panic attack.

If you have been following me on my blog, you will know that panic attacks are something that I have struggled with for many reasons. You will also know that God has been healing me of my panic attacks. Obviously, I’d like the healing to come quicker, but God’s timing is perfect.

One might think, how can you talk about this openly? I do because I want to give testimony of God’s power. In my weakness, God IS made strong.

A few weeks ago, my friend, had to make the extremely and excruciating decision of what to do with her 1 year and 9 month old son. Her son came into this world through unfortunate circumstances that were beyond her control. I’ve watched and cried as I’ve seen her struggle in caring for her son. She loves him with her whole being. He brings her SO much joy and has changed her life. But it’s during the difficult moments she desires to give her son everything but simply can’t, especially some of the basic necessities a growing baby needs. So what should she do? I counseled and prayed for her. I offered to care for him.  Her mother offered to care for him, but that meant they would have to live in two separate countries. What should she do? How long would it be until she would see her son again? She couldn’t sleep or eat but she knew she had to make a decision soon for the well-being of her son. I waited to hear her decision. After two weeks, she told me she decided to send him to her mother to care for him. I felt such sadness because I loved her son so much but I also made the decision that I wanted to respect her decision as Dylan’s mom.

Last Saturday, I spend my last evening with him, just him and I. They were moments I will never forget. I took lots of pictures and tried to enjoy the moment.  I heard him say “mamaw” one last time. I prayed for him and blessed him and he fell asleep in my arms until his mommy came to take him. 

Last Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling under the weather, very under the weather. It was my turn to help at El Nido, so I thought I would go over and at least get things started. But as the morning wore on, I felt worse and worse. I remember at one point, three people asking me questions at the same time and feeling very confused and frustrated that I wasn’t feeling good enough to help them. I started feeling overwhelmed, especially when I was asked to look for a letter written for a client in my computer. It was a letter that had been written by one of our counselors asking the Costa Rican children’s services to take into account that one of our mothers has been attending parenting classes and was really making an effort to be a good mother. You see, the children’s services have already taken five of her children, and she is fighting and trying to do everything she can so they don’t take her latest baby girl away.

In the middle of this caos, there came a moment when I asked my daughter, Carmelinda, to go get my husband, DeLynn to come help me find the letter for our client. She left right away. It was probably 2-3 minutes later DeLynn came. By this time, I felt SO bad physically, I looked at him with sternness in my eyes and said, “Take me home, NOW.” I was feeling an urgency to get out of there quickly. He helped me stand up and helped me walk out the door of El Nido.

Little did I know what was coming next. I made it to the first gate and suddenly collapsed in Delynn’s arms. I remember saying, “I’m having a panic attack.” He carried me to the car and took me home.

During a panic attack, one’s mind takes over and reality becomes dimmed. I personally think it’s the enemies attack on that person to try to believe his lies. One starts saying things aren’t true, as if things have happened already, or going to the extreme of ones thoughts. This is where DeLynn comes in. He starts praying for me and counteracts lies with the true. The truth is what sets me free. The enemy hates the truth.  Tuesday morning, the enemy said several things such as, “They took the baby away from her!” “They took Dylan away from me” to “they took me away from my mother.”

As I’ve processed all this, God has spoken truth and that’s what I want to focus on here. TRUTH. The truth is that the baby girl has NOT been taken away from her mother. We still have the chance to help her with the letter and with our prayers. There is still HOPE. The second truth is that even though Dylan lives far away, doesn’t mean I can’t visit him or talk to him on the phone.

But what affect me the most was when I said, “They took me away from my mother.” There is a lot of emotions and pain in this statement. I believe this is the root of where this panic attack came from. The enemy wanted me to believe that  when I was taken from my biological mother there was no hope. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Here is the picture God gave me yesterday of what REALY happened!

I saw myself wrapped in a blanket as a tiny infant. My biological mother was holding me. He gently took me from my mother and walked a few steps to where my adopted mother was waiting and gave me to her. Between the steps of my biological mother to my adoptive mother Jesus was holding me. There was no fear; the picture I saw was FULL of PEACE!

Psychologically speaking, the hippocampus of an infant will recall this event as very traumatic. So even if I don’t remember the circumstances surrounding the events of my adoption, somewhere that memory has been stored as a painful memory. The enemy would like me to focus on that pain. But God wants to heal that pain and give me HIS perspective.

In order for Him to fulfill his plan for my life, He had to physically remove me from where I started so He could accomplish His work in order to write the end of my story. And that story is not over yet!

Chapter 14-Held in the Grip of Love

Quite honestly, I've been having a really hard time thinking of the next chapters of my story, maybe because, for me, the most difficult hadn't even occurred yet.

Even though I had a year to prepare emotionally for mom’s passing away, at the funeral, I was still in shock. It was so final. I tried crying but couldn't. I just felt sad and couldn't believe she was actually gone. In some ways, it was all a blur. I remember Shiloh Mennonite Church was full. I wore black as a symbol of my sadness.   A lot of mom’s sisters came to the funeral. It was nice to have them there but I wasn't in the mood for much talk.

Dad planned the funeral. He put a lot of thought into it. It was given in English and translated into Spanish for the Hispanic people present. Dad picked some worship songs sung in English and Spanish. He asked several people from different walks of mom’s life to talk about her. DeLynn talked on behalf of the family. Pablo Kauffman gave the sermon. David Villalta, pastor of the Hilliard Hispanic Church gave a reflection. A representative from RMM and EMM each shared. Uncle Jose closed in prayer.

Everyone was dismissed and our immediate family was left to say goodbye. How does one say goodbye to mom? I still don’t know. In some ways I don’t think you do since she continues to live on in my heart. She passed on to me so many things one doesn't ever forget her.

The burial was scheduled right after funeral. But plans changed since the hold wasn't big enough for the casket! Yea, kind of funny! So everyone was invited to each lunch together and then we had the burial following.

Some of the people that were there that really made an impression on me was my best friend, Rhoda. Her and her husband happen to be home of furlough from China. After the funeral we were able to talk. It was a privilege to have her there. The other person I was privileged to have there was a childhood friend, Dorcus from Oregon.  At that time she lived in northern Ohio so she made the trip. It was so nice to see her. At the viewing, a long time friend of the family, Jim Lowe came. As I saw him come into the sanctuary, I couldn't believe he came. He himself was fighting cancer and was in a very fragile state and could hardly talk. I felt so loved to have him there.

After everything was over, the Gingrich family stayed around. I would have liked to have stayed but was scheduled to fly back to Costa Rica the next day. I hadn't planned it that way, but God had. It was time for me to go back and take care of my own family, or better said, let them care for me.