Life got back to “normal” when I returned to Costa Rica. I was able to
talk to mom pretty often over the phone. She continued to exercise everyday as
well as continued to take care of herself nutritionally. Dad was such a
wonderful example to me as to how a husband should love and care for his wife. Louie
also gave a lot of his time to help mom rehabilitate.
A song that really ministered to me over that summer and as I went back
to Costa Rica was, Sweetly Broken, by Jeremy Riddle.
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
Chorus:
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
I know the cross was the only thing I was able to cling onto for HOPE.
But part of me had no hope. I remember feeling that God was sweetly breaking my
heart. It hurt SO much. But I also knew that during my time of breaking, I was
feeling so dependent and close to Him. I remember how quickly the tears came. I
remember how sensitive and vaulnerable I felt before Him. I remember how I KNEW
that death wasn’t the end. He had given us life, throught the cross. This
became so REAL and I saw the cross and Christ’s suffering from a whole
different perspective.
In my journal, I wrote…
August 10, 2005
“I try to remain hopeful. I want to see her
get better. I would love if mom and dad could come to CR for Christmmas. But I
also know life is fragile and I can only take one day at a time. I do think
about what life would be like if mom died. I don’t know what I’ll do without
her. I know that one of the saddest things for me is that Carmelinda won’t
remember her. I love watching mom read to her. Carmelinda loves being with her.
Carmelinda is very sad to see her grandma sick. I will miss how she cares for
me, making sure I’m ok physically, emotionally, and spritually. In some ways I
feel like I’ve lost her already. Maybe because I’m caring for her now. I’m used
to having her care for me, cook fo rme, etc. I’ve lost that already. Part of me
struggles sharing things with her with the uncertainty that she will remember
it. It’s a deep sadness. I just wish this wasn’t all happening…
November 17, 2005
DeLynn saw mom, I’ve been thinking a lot
about her. He told me she seemed sad. That makes me very sad. He said she didn’t
talk much. I worry about her. I think I’m grieving again. I wish her cancer would
go away! I was thinking again last night what I’m going to do without her. I’m
going to miss her terribly. Why did this have to happen to her? I makes me cry.
Carmelinda wanted to call her tonight to pray for her. I wish God would hear
her prayers and heal her. I wish Carmelinda would be able to grow up with her.
I know I don’t know the future, but at the momento I don’t have much faith.
December 7,2005
A couple of weeks ago, dad emailed me and
told me that mom had an MRI. The MRI showed that the tumor had shrunk a little!
That is good news. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it being just a “little.”
But i do wish it was more! But then, if it keeps shrinking in this next year,
maybe it will go away completly! I really hope so.
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