Chapter 6- Held in the Grip of Love of God

Mom and Dad chose not come for Christmas. Tickets are always high in over Christmas. But the decision was made that they would come in February. As I thought about seeing mom again, I had a lot of mixed feelings again. Having her present meant that I had to face reality. Having so many miles between meant that I didn’t have to think about it, only when I wanted to. So I could turn off my pain. But having them come meant that this would probably be the last time we would all be together as a family since the suspicious activity in her brain had continued. The doctor told them to go ahead and plan to go to Costa Rica and when they came back they could make decisions concerning the future.

While they spent time with us, the other activities that were going on at the same time was having some work teams around, having some other company, as well as, hosting a Marriage Encounter. I was worried about how mom would be able handle all this in her state.

In my diary I wrote,

February 6, 2006

“I feel like my emotions are piling up again. I’m also really struggling again with not being pregnant yet…

Lord, please help me. I feel like my anger is my enemy that keeps creeping up. I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to conquer it and make it go away! I wish I could just get over it and accept it and move on. It’s such a struggle. It makes me cry. But these are the two things (mom’s health and infertility) that I don’t’ want to think about because they hurt SO much.”

I remember the call I got two days later. We had been waiting on the results of her MRI and what the suspicious activity meant. The tests indicated that there was inflammation on mom’s left lobe. It was significant enough that the doctors decided to discontinue her experimental drug chemotherapy. This wasn't good news for any of us. The plan was for her to take the experimental drug for a year, and it had only been four months! The doctor informed us that there were other alternatives that would help to prolong her life. The doctor made it clear that without treatment mom had several months to live. Remember, this tumor was a fast growing tumor.

I remember the feeling of hopeless setting in, feeling numb. Having to make decisions about treatments concerning life and death concerning my sweet mom was a reality I didn’t want to face. I hated the thought! It makes me tremble just remembering it all.

I remember seeing mom and dad come out of the airport when we picked them up. Mom had a wig on. She looked so different. It was going to take some time getting used to. I hoped Carmelinda would be ok with seeing mom again.

Mom and dad stayed at the base at the guest house since we had such a small house. There are several things that stick out to me during her stay. As I remember, it feels like such a long time ago. There are times when I think I should have been a better host. I should have taken care of mom better during her stay. I should have spent more time with her, asking her questions that now I have.

While mom was visiting I was suffering for a terrible toothache that in the end needed to be pulled. Mom not only went with me to the dentist, she took care of me when I came home. She made me jello and took care of Carmelinda! I remember lying in bed and hearing Carmelinda (age 5 ½) and mom having a “tea party” in the next room and Carmelinda asking mom, “Grandma, so how are you doing?” Mom responded, “Well, I’m doing alright!” I remember wanting to cry, realizing that this would be the last tea party they would have together.

On another occasion, I needed to go to the store. I asked mom if she wanted to go with me half expecting her to decline. But instead she said, “Sure!” And I said, “Don’t you want to stay home and rest?” And she said, “NO, I gotta live it up!”

I also remember traveling with our company that was visiting us at the time along with mom and dad and Carmelinda and going from La Fortuna to Puerto Viejo. What should have taken several hours took all afternoon and into the evening. I was driving and got lost. We ended up at the border of Nicaragua!!! But what I remember was thinking mom must have been exhausted, but I never heard one complaint out of her. She and dad chose to sit in the back seat of the van. I can’t believe they did that taking into consideration her state! I would have wanted an air conditioned car, a seat in the front, and I’m pretty sure I would have complained about something! But not mom!

One of the major reasons mom and dad came to Costa Rica was to hold one more Marriage Encounter with mom present. It was difficult for all of us during the weekend, knowing this was the last one. I remember mom crying a little more often while reading her story to the couples. We all cried. At the end of the encounter, the couples gathered around mom and prayed, Latin style, which means they all prayed at once, out loud. I remember watching and hearing their prayers and saying to God, “please hear their prayers!”

I also remember one day walking into their room with a question. Their door room was closed. I remember opening it and to my surprise mom had her wig off. This was the first time during their visit I saw her head. She had very little hair. It looked so strange. I remember walking away feeling in a daze and sad. Reality hit me again.

But the highlight of the trip for mom was taking her, just out family, to Playa Hermosa in Guanacaste. It was SO beautiful and we ended up staying at the same place my family used to go to 30 years earlier. Mom loved every minute of it! We swam together. Dad helped to teach Carmelinda to swim. Mom, Carmelinda and I sat in the jacuzzi. Seeing mom in a bathing suit made me sad since she was so skinny, but being together as a family filled me with so much JOY. My brother Louie also came from Ohio for this last family time. We ate fresh fruit for breakfast, ate fish for lunch and just enjoyed being together. There were monkeys in the trees that entertained us. The view was magnificent.

One of our last evening together, we all sat on beach chairs facing the ocean watching the sunset. Carmelinda played in the sand. I don’t know how much she understood of what we were talking about. The reality was inevitable. It was time to have a family meeting concerning mom’s future. We all wanted to hear from mom and listen to what her desires were. She made it clear that she was ready to go but was open to what we thought about different treatments. In the end, the decision was going to be up to mom and dad.

(This was probably one of the hardest entries for me to write. I feel dizzy, numb and tired. Please excuse any errors written since I just kind of feel out of it and wanted to get this part of my story over with.)