Held in the Grip of Love of God -Chapter 3

Mom was in the hospital a week after her surgery. Her recovery went quite well. It was hard to see her with her head all bandaged up. She was a big confused at times and needed help getting up, brushing her teeth, and combing her hair. But as time went on, we saw God healing her. She needed to stay some extra days because of some blood clots in her legs, but after some treatment, the danger went away.

I was still having a very difficult time being away from DeLynn and Carmelinda and the ministry. But at the same time, I was glad that I was close to mom and dad and Louie. I knew that if I was in Costa Rica, I would be worrying a lot and would have had a hard time focusing.

I remember the afternoon, we took mom home. On our way home, she insisted that we stop at the grocery store because the fish was on sale at Kroger! Dad and I couldn’t believe what she was saying! Hesitantly, dad went into the grocery store and sure enough, the fish was on sale!!! Unbelievable!!! It was hard to believe that just a week ago she was so confused and couldn’t get her words out, and now she was remembering that the fish at Kroger was on sale!

Having mom home, brought on some new changes. I remember feeling frustrated and sad when I saw her calling the credit card company canceling her card! Then she called some other places also canceling her other cards. When I asked mom why she did that, she just said she had no need for them anymore. I wasn’t sure what to say.

On another occasion, I was taking her on a walk and she and I got to talking about the future. I remember just feeling myself getting upset because she started talking about not wanting to get further treatment, such as chemotherapy because she was nearing her end anyway. I started arguing with her telling her that I felt she was giving up!

I realize and learned later from her nurse that in those first weeks, because of her surgery, things that she was saying and doing wasn’t necessarily those she was actually feeling or thinking through. This helped me be able to handle things emotionally.

During the time I was there, a couple weeks after her surgery, some of her sisters came for a visit. It was so nice of them to support mom during this time. Mom still wasn’t herself, which I think surprised the sisters as they talked. Mom was so good at remembering family history and was good at telling stories, the sisters thought they would record her sharing family stories. But much to our disappointment, mom had a very hard time remembering and got really frustrated with herself. It was a hard thing to watch. She ended up lying on the couch crying. I felt SO sad.

Other times when I felt sad, was when I had to wash her hair, (the hair she had left) or when she needed help walking or when I was in the kitchen alone, cooking meals, cleaning the house or doing everybody’s laundry. These would be things we would do together, not just me! She would sit and watch me. Our communication was limited. I no longer could express my real feelings about things.

And all summer, I just felt this huge sadness. And even though I hadn’t “lost” mom, it felt like I had. Things just weren’t the same. DeLynn and I talked quite often on the phone and we both cried a lot. I needed DeLynn and he needed me. There were so many times I felt so alone. Some of my close friends were far away, and I felt I needed to be at "home" all the time to help dad and Louie with mom. I was so happy to do it, but it felt I was carrying a huge load. A load of sadness that I couldn't anything about and that wouldn't go away. 

I was so glad I had Louie and Dad to talk to. We also felt a huge support from our church, Shiloh Mennonite Church. They brought in meals and many of them visited mom. The other church that blessed our family was the Hispanic Church in Hilliard. Dad and Mom were pastors there and there was such a love and respect for mom and dad! Mom was a spiritual mother to many of them and grandma to the children.

Half way through the summer, DeLynn and I thought it would be good to have Carmelinda come to the States and join me. We thought it would be good for mom to have her around. Mom absolutely adored Carmelinda and was anxious to see her. So four weeks after mom’s surgery, I flew down to Costa Rica and spent several days there and took Carmelinda back with me. It was SO hard to say good-bye to DeLynn and the ministry again. But I was looking forward to having Carmelinda be with me. Little did I know what that would entail.