Who am I?

As I stood at the top of the Guatemalan mountain, tears streaming down my face, I asked the Lord, “who am I?” All off a sudden I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere or with anyone. I was in my beloved country but felt like I didn’t fit somehow. I was born in Guatemala but I know very little about Guatemala. I still feel like a foreigner in my own country. I want to learn more but I realize it’s a process.

Lake Atitlan, the lake I have to cross to visit my Guatemalan family. 

As I continued to process, I realized traveling through the countries of Belize, Honduras and Nicaragua, as well as Guatemala produced a sense of wondering where is it exactly I belong. I have lived in all of these countries, including Costa Rica, Ecuador and the United States, but don’t feel like I’m at home in any of these countries. At the time, I did feel at home in each of these countries. Sound confusing?  I have friends in each of these countries. I have come to love and appreciate each culture. At the same time, due to the short time lived in each country made for some difficulties.

At the present, Costa Rica is my home. I have put down roots here. The longer I stay the deeper the roots. I have invested time, energy and love into its people. It feels good to call it my HOME.  But I don’t know how long I will live here. God is the only one who knows that.

I have lived in Latin America 30 years. I was born in Guatemala and yet I have a USA passport. When I go through the immigration line in the US I am I US citizen. And when I get to the immigration line in Costa Rica I go with the Costa Rican's because I'm a Costa Rican resident. My first language is English. I love chicken soup with rice. At the same time I love roast beef Manhattan’s.  I wear flip flops outside the home, a taboo in Latin America.  I prefer Spanish worship. I read better in English and yet there are some words better said in Spanish. The Latins talk to me as if I were one of them. The North Americans talk to me as if I were one of them.

I am Latin and proud of being one. 

They say for a third culture person; all these feeling are normal. The fact that one has developed one’s own culture which is a mixture of one’s home culture and adopted culture. In my case, there would be a mixture of several cultures, because each country is different.

I have to be honest, I consider being a third culture person blessing but at the same time very difficult. It has its pros and cons. Pro because I can choose which country I want to be from depending how I feel or what is convenient at the time! Sometimes I speak Spanish, sometime I speak English! Sometimes I tell people I’m 100% Chapina (Guatemalan). Other times I say, “I’m from the United States!” Other times I say I am indigenous. I have also met so many people from all over! I have eaten foods from all over! I have visited ALL kinds of churches! I had so many rich experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world!

Con’s? It’s been difficult to develop long term relationships. It’s been difficult to be away from family, whom I miss terribly. It’s been difficult not being able to spend Christmas and other holidays with family. It’ It’s been difficult to know where to call home at times. It’s been difficult not knowing exactly where I come from. Every time I meet someone new I have to explain why I speak English and look Spanish. I know if I’m Latin I should like coffee, but I didn’t drink it in my baby bottle like the Latin’s did. Yes, I have an accent, but that’s because it’s my second language. Trying to explain to others what it is exactly you do is difficult. I do not live in a grass hut. We do have electricity. I have a car. Etc. Etc.

In reality, I have the best of both words! Something few people have the privilege of living. That day as I stood on top of the mountain in Guatemala, my husband by my side, the Lord reminded me of several things. First, I am his daughter. He has a purpose for me from the beginning. God also used my life to answer one of my parent’s prayers. They wanted a baby girl and there I was! Second, focus on the truth. I belong to him! He adopted me! He is my Father.  Third, we are pilgrims traveling through this earth. Life is short. I need to make my life count. My life has been used to bless the Latin people, even though at times I don’t feel like one of them. Continue to bless and minister to the people I have given you! That is what I heard God saying to me.

My adoption verse.

Gloria's Ways vs God's Ways

A week ago I was anxiously getting ready to leave Costa Rica.  I was feeling ready for a break from ministry and extremely excited about seeing my pregnant sister-in-law, and of course my brother and dad. I had bought some special gifts for the new baby and for dad since he had just celebrated his birthday. My bags were packed ready to go!

I asked my friend Laura to pray for me before I left. In my trips to the States before it just seems that things haven’t always gone like I expected. My last trip, I was suffering from a perforation in my ear. I was in an extreme amount of pain and the time before I was having severe stomach problems. I shared with Laura that I really wanted this trip to be peaceful and that nothing uneventful would happen, except the birth of the baby. So we prayed together. I felt confident.

I cried when I left Costa Rica, knowing that being gone six weeks meant I would miss everything. At the same time, I couldn't wait to be in the United States. I had decided on six weeks because I wanted to make sure I had enough time with the new baby and with my family. My flight left at 6:00pm and I arrived in Ohio at 11:45am.

Little did I know what was happening in Ohio during my travels! My brother and sister-in-law were at the airport to meet me. No sooner had I gotten in the car when my brother asked, “Did you hear about dad?” Immediately, my heart sank. He proceeded to tell me that Dad was admitted to Riverside Hospital and was looking at having bypass surgery at the beginning of the week. I was in shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I wasn't sure to cry or scream or what! But I kept myself composed.

How could this be happening! Hadn't I just asked God to give me an uneventful trip where I was going to experience happiness for once! As time went on, I began to realize what all this type of surgery and recovery would entail! I hadn't signed up for this! Since mom’s passing, I've not like hospitals. They give me bad memories and worse yet, this was the same hospital! I felt my anger creep up. Then I felt sadness that dad had to go through this. Then I felt worried for my sister-in-law. Then I felt overwhelmed for my brother. Not to mention confusion, frustration, and a number of other emotions.

That night, on the way home I began to let my emotions show. I thank God for a husband and God that can handle someone like me! I cried out to God and let Him know I was NOT happy! How could he let this happen NOW! Couldn't He have picked a better time!!! I knew I was extremely tired and needed a good night’s rest and that that could have an effect on how I was doing. But either way, I was pretty upset with God!

After a few mornings of going to the hospital and being with dad, I pulled out a book, He Loves Me. I had started reading it during my travels and was anxious to continue. Sometimes we think when something “bad” happens to us, it’s because God doesn't love us. And then when something “good” happens to us then it means God loves us. It’s like pulling the pedals off the flower and saying, “He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me, He loves me not…” We tend to gauge His love on our circumstances. Sadly, this is how I often place my trust. I tend to trust him much more during the times things are going well for me. The problem is that my perception is often not reality. God’s ways are much higher than my ways. Even though life doesn't treat me like I’d like it to treat me doesn't mean God loves me less. God’s desire is that my relationship grows so deep and my trust becomes so secure that I wouldn't desire any other thing.

So the other morning I told God, “I’m willing to go through this if it means that my relationship with you will be ever stronger and deeper.” It’s when I surrender to God’s will that God can release His power through me and so much more.

I also started looking at the positives of this particular circumstance.  1) I got here just in time, 2) DeLynn has been with me (themoral support)(He leaves Monday), 3) I had already planned to stay until the end of October, enough time for the major part of the recuperation time for Dad, 4) We found a wonderful rehab place where our family knows will help dad recuperate faster, 5) I am enjoying seeing my family much more than planned, 6) I am able to be with dad so my brother can concentrate on his new baby (still waiting). I am sure there will be much more positives and praises as time goes on. God’s timing IS perfect and I CAN trust Him with it. Praise the Lord.

The Story Is Not Over

As I struggled to get my words out, I thought to myself, “not again!” It was all too familiar. My body felt like it was shutting down and my mind was taking over. It’s amazing what comes out in your most vulnerable moments when you feel you have no control of what is going on around you. This is how it felt for me this past Tuesday morning while experiencing my panic attack.

If you have been following me on my blog, you will know that panic attacks are something that I have struggled with for many reasons. You will also know that God has been healing me of my panic attacks. Obviously, I’d like the healing to come quicker, but God’s timing is perfect.

One might think, how can you talk about this openly? I do because I want to give testimony of God’s power. In my weakness, God IS made strong.

A few weeks ago, my friend, had to make the extremely and excruciating decision of what to do with her 1 year and 9 month old son. Her son came into this world through unfortunate circumstances that were beyond her control. I’ve watched and cried as I’ve seen her struggle in caring for her son. She loves him with her whole being. He brings her SO much joy and has changed her life. But it’s during the difficult moments she desires to give her son everything but simply can’t, especially some of the basic necessities a growing baby needs. So what should she do? I counseled and prayed for her. I offered to care for him.  Her mother offered to care for him, but that meant they would have to live in two separate countries. What should she do? How long would it be until she would see her son again? She couldn’t sleep or eat but she knew she had to make a decision soon for the well-being of her son. I waited to hear her decision. After two weeks, she told me she decided to send him to her mother to care for him. I felt such sadness because I loved her son so much but I also made the decision that I wanted to respect her decision as Dylan’s mom.

Last Saturday, I spend my last evening with him, just him and I. They were moments I will never forget. I took lots of pictures and tried to enjoy the moment.  I heard him say “mamaw” one last time. I prayed for him and blessed him and he fell asleep in my arms until his mommy came to take him. 

Last Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling under the weather, very under the weather. It was my turn to help at El Nido, so I thought I would go over and at least get things started. But as the morning wore on, I felt worse and worse. I remember at one point, three people asking me questions at the same time and feeling very confused and frustrated that I wasn’t feeling good enough to help them. I started feeling overwhelmed, especially when I was asked to look for a letter written for a client in my computer. It was a letter that had been written by one of our counselors asking the Costa Rican children’s services to take into account that one of our mothers has been attending parenting classes and was really making an effort to be a good mother. You see, the children’s services have already taken five of her children, and she is fighting and trying to do everything she can so they don’t take her latest baby girl away.

In the middle of this caos, there came a moment when I asked my daughter, Carmelinda, to go get my husband, DeLynn to come help me find the letter for our client. She left right away. It was probably 2-3 minutes later DeLynn came. By this time, I felt SO bad physically, I looked at him with sternness in my eyes and said, “Take me home, NOW.” I was feeling an urgency to get out of there quickly. He helped me stand up and helped me walk out the door of El Nido.

Little did I know what was coming next. I made it to the first gate and suddenly collapsed in Delynn’s arms. I remember saying, “I’m having a panic attack.” He carried me to the car and took me home.

During a panic attack, one’s mind takes over and reality becomes dimmed. I personally think it’s the enemies attack on that person to try to believe his lies. One starts saying things aren’t true, as if things have happened already, or going to the extreme of ones thoughts. This is where DeLynn comes in. He starts praying for me and counteracts lies with the true. The truth is what sets me free. The enemy hates the truth.  Tuesday morning, the enemy said several things such as, “They took the baby away from her!” “They took Dylan away from me” to “they took me away from my mother.”

As I’ve processed all this, God has spoken truth and that’s what I want to focus on here. TRUTH. The truth is that the baby girl has NOT been taken away from her mother. We still have the chance to help her with the letter and with our prayers. There is still HOPE. The second truth is that even though Dylan lives far away, doesn’t mean I can’t visit him or talk to him on the phone.

But what affect me the most was when I said, “They took me away from my mother.” There is a lot of emotions and pain in this statement. I believe this is the root of where this panic attack came from. The enemy wanted me to believe that  when I was taken from my biological mother there was no hope. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Here is the picture God gave me yesterday of what REALY happened!

I saw myself wrapped in a blanket as a tiny infant. My biological mother was holding me. He gently took me from my mother and walked a few steps to where my adopted mother was waiting and gave me to her. Between the steps of my biological mother to my adoptive mother Jesus was holding me. There was no fear; the picture I saw was FULL of PEACE!

Psychologically speaking, the hippocampus of an infant will recall this event as very traumatic. So even if I don’t remember the circumstances surrounding the events of my adoption, somewhere that memory has been stored as a painful memory. The enemy would like me to focus on that pain. But God wants to heal that pain and give me HIS perspective.

In order for Him to fulfill his plan for my life, He had to physically remove me from where I started so He could accomplish His work in order to write the end of my story. And that story is not over yet!

Chapter 14-Held in the Grip of Love

Quite honestly, I've been having a really hard time thinking of the next chapters of my story, maybe because, for me, the most difficult hadn't even occurred yet.

Even though I had a year to prepare emotionally for mom’s passing away, at the funeral, I was still in shock. It was so final. I tried crying but couldn't. I just felt sad and couldn't believe she was actually gone. In some ways, it was all a blur. I remember Shiloh Mennonite Church was full. I wore black as a symbol of my sadness.   A lot of mom’s sisters came to the funeral. It was nice to have them there but I wasn't in the mood for much talk.

Dad planned the funeral. He put a lot of thought into it. It was given in English and translated into Spanish for the Hispanic people present. Dad picked some worship songs sung in English and Spanish. He asked several people from different walks of mom’s life to talk about her. DeLynn talked on behalf of the family. Pablo Kauffman gave the sermon. David Villalta, pastor of the Hilliard Hispanic Church gave a reflection. A representative from RMM and EMM each shared. Uncle Jose closed in prayer.

Everyone was dismissed and our immediate family was left to say goodbye. How does one say goodbye to mom? I still don’t know. In some ways I don’t think you do since she continues to live on in my heart. She passed on to me so many things one doesn't ever forget her.

The burial was scheduled right after funeral. But plans changed since the hold wasn't big enough for the casket! Yea, kind of funny! So everyone was invited to each lunch together and then we had the burial following.

Some of the people that were there that really made an impression on me was my best friend, Rhoda. Her and her husband happen to be home of furlough from China. After the funeral we were able to talk. It was a privilege to have her there. The other person I was privileged to have there was a childhood friend, Dorcus from Oregon.  At that time she lived in northern Ohio so she made the trip. It was so nice to see her. At the viewing, a long time friend of the family, Jim Lowe came. As I saw him come into the sanctuary, I couldn't believe he came. He himself was fighting cancer and was in a very fragile state and could hardly talk. I felt so loved to have him there.

After everything was over, the Gingrich family stayed around. I would have liked to have stayed but was scheduled to fly back to Costa Rica the next day. I hadn't planned it that way, but God had. It was time for me to go back and take care of my own family, or better said, let them care for me. 

Chapter 13-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

July 8, the morning after mom passed away,  I wrote in my journal,

Psalm 65:4,5

“What joy for those you choose to bring near, those who live in your holy courts,

What joy awaits us inside your holy Temple.”

“You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,

O God our Savior,

You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.”

JOY. Ironically, this is the word that comes to mind this morning. This is the verse God gave me this early Saturday morning. God chose to bring mom near to him last night about 9:30. She now lives with Him in His Holy courts. Amazing. Overwhelming. It gives me joy to think that she’s with HIM! Wow! God did answer so many prayers. Too many to count. Again I feel amazed, overwhelmed and full of joy! Wow! He is our hope. He is MY hope. My hope in something I haven’t seen yet; the hope that I have that someday I will see mom again. He is hope for not only me but for the world. That’s what mom’s vision and life was for, for the world. I want to be part of that, hope for others, in that I share the love of God with others all over the world. Just like mom. She not only shared it but lived it. What an amazing woman! I could go on and on and on and on about her life.

Mom meant SO much to me and I will love and miss her forever. The pain of losing her is unbearable. She was my mother, my best friend, and my mentor. It would take pages upon pages to describe what these words encompass. She left me a legacy that I want to continue with my own family and in my own life. I thank God for choosing my mom to be MY MOM. 

Chapter 12-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Mom’s ups and downs continued. Two weeks after I arrived in Ohio, mom seemed to be very well! She even played scrabble with her sister Lovina, who can come for a visit! My return ticket was for July 13. I felt confused as to what God was doing. I was expecting to see mom get worse, but instead we saw her getting better! She also went to church with dad and shocked everybody! I don’t want my readers to think I wanted mom to die, not at all! But my emotions were anticipating a lot of horrible things to happen to mom before she died and our family began to wonder if God had healed her!

One evening, Carmelinda and mom had a race. Louie pushed mom’s wheel chair and Carmelinda went on her scooter. It was really cute! It was such a beautiful evening made with lovely memories.

One afternoon, Carmelinda was reading to mom. It was the book, Clifford the Big Red Dog. Carmelinda started reading when all of a sudden in a very quiet voice, almost a whisper, mom started reading to Carmelinda! Neither one of could believe it! Carmelinda just looked at her and looked at me and then smiled! It was amazing! It was wonderful to hear her!

On 4^th of July, my Uncle Glenn and Aunt Arlene, along with their daughter, Glenda and her daughter, came to visit us.  It was such a nice visit! But the memory I have is when it came time to watch the Plain City fireworks.  We all got ready to sit outside behind mom and dad’s house. We took our lawn chairs and sat just outside dad’s office window. Dad was getting mom ready for bed. Mom couldn't talk but somehow communicated to Dad that she wanted to see the fireworks too! So dad put her in her wheel chair and took her over to the office window and the two of them watched the fireworks along with us!

July 8, 2006 I wrote in my journal…

Psalms 65:4,5

“What joy for those you choose to bring near, those who live in your holy courts,

What joy awaits us inside your Holy Temple.”

“You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,

O God our Savior,

You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.”

JOY, ironically this is the word that comes to mind this early Saturday morning. God chose to bring mom near to him last night about 9:30pm. She now lives with him in His Holy courts! Amazing! Overwhelming! It gives me joy to think that she’s with HIM! Wow! God did answer SO many prayers. Too many to count! He is my hope. My hope in something I have not yet seen. The hope I have that someday I will see mom again. He is hope not only for me but for the world. That’s what mom’s vision for life was, for the world! I want to be a part of that, hope for others, in that I share the love of God with others all over the world, just like mom. She not only shared it but lived it. What an amazing woman!

I’m still in shock. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest literally aches. I feel numb. My body is tired from lack of sleep. I slept 4 hours last night.

Let me share about my last day with mom. It was a Friday morning, Carmelinda, Dad and I took care of mom. I remember her sitting at the kitchen table watching her do her hand exercises with a small rubber ball. I remember trying to encourage her to keep squeezing the ball as hard as she could! Once Carmelinda came around, mom livened up! I remember kissing mom good bye on her forehead. I also remember giving her a hug. Her body seemed so frail.

Little did I know when I left later that morning to visit my friend, Lynette that would be the last time I would speak to her. I had plans to visit my friend for the afternoon and then take Carmelinda on a date, which was our custom every Friday night. Friday nights were a good time for us to go on a date since mom and dad held a Spanish bible study in their home with a few friends from church.  So after going to the mall and eating a yummy Auntie Ann’s pretzel, we were headed to Wallmart. But as we pulling into the parking lot I told Carmelinda I was tired and didn't feel like it. Carmelinda siad, "Yea, lets go home and watch Princess Diaries and say good night to Grandma." So we headed home.

Meanwhile, at home, mom and dad were having a Bible study sitting around the table. Mom joined them. During the study, dad noticed mom was not acting herself. So he finished the study and ended quickly. As he helped mom walk to her bed she was having trouble breathing. Mom barely made it to her bed.

Upon arriving to mom and dad’s house, the hospice nurse, Mary, was pulling in too.  I asked Mary what she was doing at our house. She said dad and Louie had called her. She went running into the house.  Carmelinda and I followed. As I walked into the house, Louie greeted me and told us that she was having trouble breathing. I wasn't sure what to do with Carmelinda. And honestly, I’m still not sure I did the right thing! But we called our friend, Emily, who was working at DerDutchman that evening and was coming off her shift, to see if she could take Carmelinda. I wasn’t sure if I wanted Carmelinda to see all that was happening, since I just wasn't sure what was going to happen!

Everything happened so fast! Too fast! All along I tried to prepare myself for this moment, but when I was face to face with death, I didn't know how to cope! As I walked into mom and dad’s room, mom was struggling. She had her hand on her heart, which made us think maybe she was having pain in her heart.  It was SO hard to see. I felt SO hopeless. I was glad Mary was there. She gave mom morphine to help her relax. But the next thing I hear her saying is, “It’s time to say good bye.” Good bye??? I wasn't ready to do that! Not yet! I was in shock! As I said, “Mom, I release you to Jesus, go to Jesus. Thank You. Bye. I love you.” I couldn't even believe what I was saying! It was all so serial. From one moment to the next, she was gone.

As we watched her go, God gave me the words, “I have fought the battle, I have kept the faith.” Life wasn’t easy for her. She lost many of her loved ones already, but in all of her disappointments in life she kept the faith. She was truly a woman of God, one that many admired and looked up to. For me, she was my hero, my spiritual hero, my mentor, my best friend. My MOM.

As mom laid there, I was drawn to her hands. They were wrinkly and still warm. But a rush of thankfulness came upon me thinking about all the countless times her hands served me, comforted me, and loved me, and of course, so many others. I couldn’t stop crying as I thought about this. God had sent me such a wonderful mom to care for me all these years!

We had Emily bring Carmelinda over to the house right away. Carmelinda took it really hard. She cried like crazy and wanted to see Grandma right away. She was upset with me because she wanted to be with us. It was hard to listen to her and watch her. As I think about it, it makes me incredibly sad. Carmelinda laid beside mom and put her arm around her and told her good bye. We were all crying. Dad suggested we pray. We did. Carmelinda’s prayer was the most beautiful and so simple, “Thank You God that Grandma can walk and talk now and that I get to see her again in heaven!”

Later that evening, the pastors and their wives from Shiloh Mennonite Church came to express their condolences. We spent time praying and singing around mom. It was a special moment for me. I felt supported and loved by them, since they have been people in my life that have been there for me and were definitely there for mom and dad. So thank you, Pablo and Judy, Jon and Dawn, Arnold and Linda, and Jerry and Denise.

God answered my prayer in that I was able to be with mom when she went from this earth to be with her beloved Father. I am so grateful for this gift. It was a day and a moment I will never forget. Someday I will be there too. But for now, I just want to be faithful and at least half the mom my mom was to me! I thank God for the example He gave me.  

Chapter 11-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

October 17,2013

Flying to the States for the last time to see mom seemed so serial. I couldn't believe I was going home to say, "good-bye" to MOM. I knew we had about four to six weeks with her.  I was terribly sad. We decided that Carmelinda was to go with me. She was now almost 6 years old. I tried hard to prepare her to what we were going to Grandpa's house for.

I was SO glad I took her. She was a joy to have around! God used her once again as a healing balm for our family. She was so sweet with mom. She enjoyed wheeling mom around on the wheel chair. She would hold her hand while the therapist gave her leg and feet messages.  She enjoyed reading to her.  I could tell mom loved every minute of it!

Carmelinda loved praying for mom. She would ask God to heal mom so that she and her could walk and talk again. She asked my Aunt Susie that was visiting, when Grandma was going to talk again. Aunt Susie told her that when she sees Jesus she will be able to talk again. Aunt Susie told her the story of my Uncle Mike and Grandpa Gingerich, others who have gone ahead. Aunt Susie is such a good story teller, Carmelinda must have caught on to the excitement because Carmelinda exclaimed, “I want to go too!”

During the first several weeks after mom came home, she had two seizures. This was expected due to the tumor growing. For Carmelinda’s sake, I was glad she didn’t see these happen.

The next weeks were an up and down emotional roller coaster ride. Mom had her good days and her not so good days. At times she talked and walked more to where we wondered if God was healing her! It was confusing for me. I expected her to decline rapidly over the weeks, but that didn’t happen.

God was SO merciful to her and gave us some wonderful memories with her, memories I will cherish forever!

On one Sunday, Carmelinda and I took care of her while dad went to church. We were able to sing and read to her. Carmelinda was so funny and cute and told Grandma stories.

On Father’s Day, we had a special lunch and that night we had a very special surprise for mom. The Spanish church came with their guitars and sang for mom. There were nine men with nine guitars that sang. The house was packed with Latin’s!  It was SO beautiful. The Spanish church looked at mom as a “spiritual mom.” I believe it was a sneak peak into heaven for mom!

June 19, was mom’s 67^th birthday. Louie and I bought her 67 roses. They were beautiful! She also got all kinds of other flowers. Sandy Gordon brought us lunch. She brought fish since she knew mom loved fish! Dad gave mom a very sentimental gift. He gave her a new nightgown and then a photo plaque that had two sides. One the one side was a picture of them. The picture was of them standing in front of the house, both with their straw hats. Dad with his Amish hat that was given to him and mom with her cute straw hat that has a scarf around it! On the other side of the plaque, Dad had printed out a poem that he had written mom about two years prior at a Marriage Encounter. He said he refined the poem and decided to give it to her. Here it is:

I love you for your single-handed

Mattress relocation;

But I promise you again my love

In every situation.

I love you yet when you’re too feeble

To even comb your hair;

When you’ve spent your faithful efforts

With no energies to spare;

When you sit beside the window

With a far-off look in your eyes

Recalling by gone days when

We shot across the skies

In quest of sweet adventures

As we took the mighty word

To humble huts and

Mansions rich

For those who hadn’t heard;

And prayed and preached and

Comforted,

Defying cold despair

In hopeful expectation of

God’s intervention there;

I’ll love you to the very end

Of our pilgrimage together,

And hope the Lord will let us just

Be married forever and ever.

Written by Elam Stauffer

To Doris Stauffer

Refined 6-19-00

As mom read the poem, she cried. We all did. My thoughts were thoughts of sadness and wondering if this would be her last birthday. It was so bitter sweet.

Chapter 9-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Mom's speech continued to maintain the same. Nothing she said made sense. The doctors started reducing the anti-seizure drug. I don't know the name, something complicated! But the medication can make one feel pretty out of it. It caused her to become almost unresponsive. She struggled a lot during this time. I wonder if she was trying to make sense of it all. I don't know. I know I was! 

During this time, my heart continued to literally hurt. I was tired and exhausted emotionally and physically. I now know, that is normal for someone that takes care of someone under intense sickness, such as cancer. 
The pain in my heart kept me up at night. I guessed it was anxiety and stress. 

On May 7, 2006, in my journal I wrote,

"I am feeling much better today. Mom is doing much better as of yesterday. What a hard week! The last wo days she's been more herself. I think the contributing factor has beent he way they are giving mom her medication. Up until now, she's been recieving her Decatron orally, but 1 day ago, they have been giving it to her through an IV. It has made a world of difference. She is more alert. She has actually been able to say sentences! She's up and walking! She's smiling and laughing! It's so nice to see and experience."

That same week, we were told, there was really nothing else the doctors could do. Hospice was called in. Dad and I were able to make the final preparations, before I left for Costa Rica. Mom was able to go home shortly after I left. 

Being back home in Costa Rica was SO hard. I cried a lot. 

I called mom for Mother's Day. She was still having trouble talking. She managed to get out "Hello, Carmelinda," but that was it. My heart was broken. It was so hard for me not to be able to talk to her. She tried so hard. I wish I knew what she was trying to tell me. 

The day after, I had a major crying spell, just thinking how much I missed my conversations with mom. 




Chapter 10

My chest pains continued. I had difficulty breathing at times. I noticed that when I started talking about mom I found myself gasping for breath. I also noticed that the pains were lasting longer. I felt my chest get right and felt a lot of pressure. It was very uncomfortable. I knew something wasn't right. I guessed it was something linked with mom's condition. I wasn't sleeping well either. I made an appointment with our family doctor. I took some tests and everything came back normal. He informed me that I was suffering from panic attacks due to the intense stress of the past year. He suggested I take some anti-depressants and some muscle relaxants to help my body through the trauma I was experiencing. This was hard to take all in. I was in shock. I had never heard of panic attacks! What was wrong with me! 

Ps. 119
v.25 "I lie in the dust, completly discouraged; receive me by your word."
v.28 "I weep with grief; encourage me by your word." 

May 6, 2006

"Today we are going to be recieving MRI results that will determine the condition of mom's tumor. Sunday morning, I got a call around 5:00am telling me that dad had called the squad. They took mom to the hospital. She had been vomiting and couldn't even keep waster down. She was also so out of it that dad couldn't wake her up. Dad realized there wasn't anything he could do anymore so he called the squad. 

They found out her brain was swollen. When the brain gets this way, the body starts shutting down. She has been having trouble swollowing. She's been lathargic a lot. She's been getting weaker as time is progressing. 

She's now in the ICU at Grant Hospital. Our gut feeling is that the news won't be good. In talking with dad and Louie yesterday, I think we're ready to hera it. I know it might take some time for it to sink in, but I want to accept God's will, not mine."

During this time I read a book called, Surrender It was written by a man who had cancer in his lymph nodes and eventually the cancer spread. The last chapter was written by his friend, since the author passed away. 

The word surrender meant for me that I was to give up mom, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations, everything that I ever thought would happen in the future. This was much easier said than done! 

One of my desires was to be mom until the end. I told dad to please tell me when the doctor told him that mom's days were few. I asked God to grant me that desire. 

While mom was in ICU, we were told, that mom was near the end. Due to the condition of her brain, the doctor expected mom to live 4-6 weeks longer. DeLynn released me and Carmelinda, with love, to go be with mom during her last days. He needed to stay in Costa Rica,since summer was starting and he needed to be there for ministry purposes. 

I tried hard to prepare Carmelinda for what was to come, although, I didn't really know what was to come myself! 

Chapter 8-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

On April 24, 2006, I wrote in my journal,

“Today was a good day, even though I’m tired. I don’t feel like I do anything but yet at night I feel exhausted and worn out.

Mom is doing well. It seems as though her right arm and leg are a little weak. They are talking with us about rehabilitation. Right now we’re not sure what that means. She still has difficulty in her speech. Like last time, her Spanish comes easier for her. It’s funny! She’s starts talking in Spanish, so the therapist tries to get her on the English track.

This afternoon mom took a nap and then decided she had laid down long enough. She started to take off her leg circulators and wanted to start disconnecting her IV’s. I asked her what she was doing, she said she wanted to walk. She said, ‘I’m not the type to just sit around!’ The nurse told us she did the same thing in the morning. They put the bed rails up so she can’t get out on her own. This makes me sad, knowing that she’s confused.”

April 28, I wrote,

“A range of emotions are filing my heart today. I’ve been pretty emotional these last two days.

Mom is now at a rehab center at Riverside Hospital. Today is her first day of hard work. She is now resting and completely worn out. I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t have to go through it. She does really good walking. She’s a trooper. She walked around the halls twice. Then she walked up some stairs and back down!

She also had speech therapy, that made me cry. Her speech is hardly understandable, in that she didn’t hardly make a bit of sense. The speech therapist gave her some commands that she could hardly follow. The therapist pulled out objects out of a box that mom had to name. Mom couldn’t name them. Her Spanish kept coming out at times, but even her Spanish didn’t make sense.

The whole time I watched her try so hard, it just gave me such deep sadness. To think she used to be so sharp and had the art of communication. She was also a very good Spanish teacher and did so well at teaching others. She was also the type to be active and smart. To see her like this is unbearable for me to watch.

I still can’t believe she has cancer. I never even fathomed her having to go through this. She always took care of her body. She always ate the right foods. She was and still is my roll model for so many things. I guess I’m just wondering why her God? And yet I don’t blame God, I blame sin. I’m feeling some anger about that. It just gives me such a deep sadness. I wish there was something I could do to make things perfect like they were before. I know this is part of the grieving process of letting her go. I know that when that day comes, for sure, it will be unbearable!” 

Chapter 7 Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Saying goodbye to mom was painful. Again, I didn’t know what the future would hold for mom. What I didn’t know was that that was the last time mom and I would be able to have a normal conversation with her face to face. Looking back, I wish I would have asked her a lot more questions.

When Mom and Dad got back to the States, mom slowly started deteriorating again. Dad and especially, Louie would tell me how mom was doing. He said having a conversation with her was so difficult. She couldn’t even get simple words out. And that watching mom loose her gift of conversation was really hard. She would get frustrated and end up crying. Dad and Louie tried to ask lots of questions to help the conversation.

On one occasion, Louie walked into the house and found mom packing Dad’s lunch in the dark. She didn’t even seem to notice or even care. This made me so sad.

Dad said that mom didn’t want anything that would put her in the hospital like the IV drip. This was hard for Dad to hear. But we all knew her eyes were set on heaven and that’s where she wanted to be. At times, this made me angry, that she didn’t want to be with us! But I also knew she just wanted to be with her Heavenly Father and she was going to be able to experience so much JOY! I was selfish to want her to stay.

On April 14, DeLynn’s birthday, I talked with Dad and the doctors were recommending a second surgery. I had a lot of feeling in thinking of round 2. I hated to think of mom having to go through a second surgery and the recovery process again. Last time, it seemed to take so long for her to be “normal” again. The stakes were high, but Dad thought it the best decision and I was planning to be there to support him.

The follow is a song God gave me as I prepared to fly up to Ohio to be with Mom..

Book of Joy

By Sheila Walsh

Open to me word of wisdom in the midst of life’s dark days

Take away my human blindness, give me eyes to see your ways.

I am weak without your goodness,

I am lost without your light.

Word of God, sweet breath of heaven,

Shine upon this child tonight.

Open to me word of kindness, when my heart is sad within

Help me rise above the sorrow, singing songs of joy again.

I lift my voice to worship,

Thankful for your gift of grace.

Friend until I see your face.

Open now the halls of heaven to each child who seeks your face,

Mercy flowing like a river from the Christ who took our place.

Word of life,

Sweet breath of heaven,

Love of every love to me.

On April 17, I flew up to be with Dad and Louie. Surgery, was to be done on Friday. The plan was to put 10 wafers in mom’s head around the tumor. This time, we waited alone as a family until the surgery was finished. We were told the surgery would take 7 to 8 hours, but before we knew it the doctor informed us he was finished, 2 ½ hours later. He told us the surgery was shortened because it was just too risky and the cancer had started hitting areas in her brain that were affecting her speech, body movements etc. When I went into see her, her head was all bandaged up. I hated seeing her that way.

This time around, I had decided to take it easy on myself since the first time, I felt like I had to spend all day at the hospital. I found out pretty quickly that it was exhausting emotionally and physically. I was glad I made this decision, since mom’s recuperation ended up being VERY hard to watch. The side effects of the surgery were unbearable. 

Chapter 6- Held in the Grip of Love of God

Mom and Dad chose not come for Christmas. Tickets are always high in over Christmas. But the decision was made that they would come in February. As I thought about seeing mom again, I had a lot of mixed feelings again. Having her present meant that I had to face reality. Having so many miles between meant that I didn’t have to think about it, only when I wanted to. So I could turn off my pain. But having them come meant that this would probably be the last time we would all be together as a family since the suspicious activity in her brain had continued. The doctor told them to go ahead and plan to go to Costa Rica and when they came back they could make decisions concerning the future.

While they spent time with us, the other activities that were going on at the same time was having some work teams around, having some other company, as well as, hosting a Marriage Encounter. I was worried about how mom would be able handle all this in her state.

In my diary I wrote,

February 6, 2006

“I feel like my emotions are piling up again. I’m also really struggling again with not being pregnant yet…

Lord, please help me. I feel like my anger is my enemy that keeps creeping up. I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to conquer it and make it go away! I wish I could just get over it and accept it and move on. It’s such a struggle. It makes me cry. But these are the two things (mom’s health and infertility) that I don’t’ want to think about because they hurt SO much.”

I remember the call I got two days later. We had been waiting on the results of her MRI and what the suspicious activity meant. The tests indicated that there was inflammation on mom’s left lobe. It was significant enough that the doctors decided to discontinue her experimental drug chemotherapy. This wasn't good news for any of us. The plan was for her to take the experimental drug for a year, and it had only been four months! The doctor informed us that there were other alternatives that would help to prolong her life. The doctor made it clear that without treatment mom had several months to live. Remember, this tumor was a fast growing tumor.

I remember the feeling of hopeless setting in, feeling numb. Having to make decisions about treatments concerning life and death concerning my sweet mom was a reality I didn’t want to face. I hated the thought! It makes me tremble just remembering it all.

I remember seeing mom and dad come out of the airport when we picked them up. Mom had a wig on. She looked so different. It was going to take some time getting used to. I hoped Carmelinda would be ok with seeing mom again.

Mom and dad stayed at the base at the guest house since we had such a small house. There are several things that stick out to me during her stay. As I remember, it feels like such a long time ago. There are times when I think I should have been a better host. I should have taken care of mom better during her stay. I should have spent more time with her, asking her questions that now I have.

While mom was visiting I was suffering for a terrible toothache that in the end needed to be pulled. Mom not only went with me to the dentist, she took care of me when I came home. She made me jello and took care of Carmelinda! I remember lying in bed and hearing Carmelinda (age 5 ½) and mom having a “tea party” in the next room and Carmelinda asking mom, “Grandma, so how are you doing?” Mom responded, “Well, I’m doing alright!” I remember wanting to cry, realizing that this would be the last tea party they would have together.

On another occasion, I needed to go to the store. I asked mom if she wanted to go with me half expecting her to decline. But instead she said, “Sure!” And I said, “Don’t you want to stay home and rest?” And she said, “NO, I gotta live it up!”

I also remember traveling with our company that was visiting us at the time along with mom and dad and Carmelinda and going from La Fortuna to Puerto Viejo. What should have taken several hours took all afternoon and into the evening. I was driving and got lost. We ended up at the border of Nicaragua!!! But what I remember was thinking mom must have been exhausted, but I never heard one complaint out of her. She and dad chose to sit in the back seat of the van. I can’t believe they did that taking into consideration her state! I would have wanted an air conditioned car, a seat in the front, and I’m pretty sure I would have complained about something! But not mom!

One of the major reasons mom and dad came to Costa Rica was to hold one more Marriage Encounter with mom present. It was difficult for all of us during the weekend, knowing this was the last one. I remember mom crying a little more often while reading her story to the couples. We all cried. At the end of the encounter, the couples gathered around mom and prayed, Latin style, which means they all prayed at once, out loud. I remember watching and hearing their prayers and saying to God, “please hear their prayers!”

I also remember one day walking into their room with a question. Their door room was closed. I remember opening it and to my surprise mom had her wig off. This was the first time during their visit I saw her head. She had very little hair. It looked so strange. I remember walking away feeling in a daze and sad. Reality hit me again.

But the highlight of the trip for mom was taking her, just out family, to Playa Hermosa in Guanacaste. It was SO beautiful and we ended up staying at the same place my family used to go to 30 years earlier. Mom loved every minute of it! We swam together. Dad helped to teach Carmelinda to swim. Mom, Carmelinda and I sat in the jacuzzi. Seeing mom in a bathing suit made me sad since she was so skinny, but being together as a family filled me with so much JOY. My brother Louie also came from Ohio for this last family time. We ate fresh fruit for breakfast, ate fish for lunch and just enjoyed being together. There were monkeys in the trees that entertained us. The view was magnificent.

One of our last evening together, we all sat on beach chairs facing the ocean watching the sunset. Carmelinda played in the sand. I don’t know how much she understood of what we were talking about. The reality was inevitable. It was time to have a family meeting concerning mom’s future. We all wanted to hear from mom and listen to what her desires were. She made it clear that she was ready to go but was open to what we thought about different treatments. In the end, the decision was going to be up to mom and dad.

(This was probably one of the hardest entries for me to write. I feel dizzy, numb and tired. Please excuse any errors written since I just kind of feel out of it and wanted to get this part of my story over with.)

Chapter 5 -Held in Grip of the Love of God

Life got back to “normal” when I returned to Costa Rica. I was able to talk to mom pretty often over the phone. She continued to exercise everyday as well as continued to take care of herself nutritionally. Dad was such a wonderful example to me as to how a husband should love and care for his wife. Louie also gave a lot of his time to help mom rehabilitate.

A song that really ministered to me over that summer and as I went back to Costa Rica was, Sweetly Broken, by Jeremy Riddle.

                                                                                                                

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink

Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

Chorus:

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death

You’ve called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness

I know the cross was the only thing I was able to cling onto for HOPE. But part of me had no hope. I remember feeling that God was sweetly breaking my heart. It hurt SO much. But I also knew that during my time of breaking, I was feeling so dependent and close to Him. I remember how quickly the tears came. I remember how sensitive and vaulnerable I felt before Him. I remember how I KNEW that death wasn’t the end. He had given us life, throught the cross. This became so REAL and I saw the cross and Christ’s suffering from a whole different perspective.

 In my journal, I wrote…

August 10, 2005

“I try to remain hopeful. I want to see her get better. I would love if mom and dad could come to CR for Christmmas. But I also know life is fragile and I can only take one day at a time. I do think about what life would be like if mom died. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. I know that one of the saddest things for me is that Carmelinda won’t remember her. I love watching mom read to her. Carmelinda loves being with her. Carmelinda is very sad to see her grandma sick. I will miss how she cares for me, making sure I’m ok physically, emotionally, and spritually. In some ways I feel like I’ve lost her already. Maybe because I’m caring for her now. I’m used to having her care for me, cook fo rme, etc. I’ve lost that already. Part of me struggles sharing things with her with the uncertainty that she will remember it. It’s a deep sadness. I just wish this wasn’t all happening…

November 17, 2005

DeLynn saw mom, I’ve been thinking a lot about her. He told me she seemed sad. That makes me very sad. He said she didn’t talk much. I worry about her. I think I’m grieving again. I wish her cancer would go away! I was thinking again last night what I’m going to do without her. I’m going to miss her terribly. Why did this have to happen to her? I makes me cry. Carmelinda wanted to call her tonight to pray for her. I wish God would hear her prayers and heal her. I wish Carmelinda would be able to grow up with her. I know I don’t know the future, but at the momento I don’t have much faith.

December 7,2005

A couple of weeks ago, dad emailed me and told me that mom had an MRI. The MRI showed that the tumor had shrunk a little! That is good news. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it being just a “little.” But i do wish it was more! But then, if it keeps shrinking in this next year, maybe it will go away completly! I really hope so.

Held in the Grip of the Love of God -Chapter 4

Carmelinda was so excited to see Grandma. I tried to prepare her by telling her Grandma was sick and we were going to help her get better. It’s hard to explain to a 5 year old what cancer is and all that it involves.

After flying all day, we got to my parents’ home, very late at night. Mom and dad were so excited to see Carmelinda and I, they got up to welcome us. Carmelinda was a little shy around them. We went to bed quite exhausted.

It wasn’t long until I noticed Carmelinda was uncomfortable around mom. The night before was such a late night. I can only imagine what Carmelinda thought of seeing mom for the first time after her surgery with her hair half shaved off and a large scare of the left side of her head. To a child I’m sure it was a traumatic picture. I hadn’t prepared her for that. I thought that maybe the more she would be around mom, the more she would get used to mom’s appearance.

I started getting worried when after a week she hardly ate anything. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I remember asking at the hospital, where we would take mom for her chemotherapy treaments, if they had anything for children that I could use to help Carmelinda understand what was going on. They gave me a wonderful book, where Carmelinda was able to express her feelings through pictures. The book had an easy way to explain what cancer is. Everyday, we would take a little time looking at the book, and while she would work on the book, I would pray that God would somehow help her understand what was happening to mom. When Carmelinda drew pictures, she always drew Grandma with half her hair shaved off. It looked so awkward, and yet so “normal.” It made me sad.

Two weeks went by and then three and Carmelinda still wasn’t eating hardly anything. When she would sit on Grandma’s lap, she often looked sad. When talking with my parents, trying to figure how to help Carmelinda, we decided it would probably be better for mom to cover her head with a scarf, that maybe that’s what was scaring her. But time went on, and Carmelinda still wasn’t eating.

 By week three, I was so desperate. I cried out to the Lord for help. I remember during week three getting a call from our pastor, Pablo Kauffman. Shiloh Mennonite Church, our home church, had mom on the prayer hotline everyday. He called and asked if we had any specific prayer requests. Crying, I told him about Carmelinda and asked for wisdom and prayer. He said he would put it on the prayer hotline. I was so thankful for that call.

That day was a Friday and every Friday evening, Carmelinda and I went on a date, just to give ourselves a break. That night, I took her to Skyline Chili. She loved Skyline Chili! I was hoping it would encourage her to eat! As we sat together in the restaurant, I remember watc hing her pick at her food. I looked at her with compassion and said, “Honey, mommy is SO worried about you. It makes me sad that you’re not eating. If you don’t start eating, I’m going to have to take you to the doctor. Can you please tell me why you can’t eat?” I had had this conversation with her on several occasions, but she just couldn’t tell me what was wrong. Finally, that evening she said softly, “I can’t eat because of Grandma’s head. When I look at her head, I can’t eat.” I was SO relieved that she finally was able to express what was holding her back. At the same time, it made me so sad knowing that Carmelinda was having a hard time.

When talking with my parents about what Carmelinda shared, we decided maybe it would be better to get her a little table and have her eat there at a different time than the rest of us. It seemed to work. I would sit with her while she ate to help her feel more relaxed and because I just wanted to be with her.

One thing we really enjoyed doing with mom was going on walks with her around the neighborhood. Someone gave Carmelinda a little scooter. Mom and I would walk, while Carmelinda would ride ahead of us on her scooter.

When mom started using scarves, I noticed that Carmelinda wanted to use them too! So I bought her some cute scarves so she could be like Grandma.

Carmelinda was also learning to read. She had a couple books she brought along to read to Grandma. Mom LOVED listening to her talk and read. I could tell she was so proud of her!

God used Carmelinda as a healing balm for our whole family! She was so cute and mom had so much fun watching her play. I loved when we were all together making memories. Except, I still missed DeLynn so much and he missed us. I was blessed to have one of my best friends home from furlough over the summer. Her and her husband saw and heard how much I missed DeLynn and offered to buy a ticket for DeLynn to come join us at the end of the summer. It was such a wonderful gift!

So after crying and calling each other often, DeLynn was able to join our family at the end of the summer after all our teams had left.

By the end of the summer, mom was doing pretty good. She was talking more normal again. She was finished with her chemo and radiation. Everyday she was exercising by walking. She was eating well and taking care of herself.

By the time, it was time to say good-byeI knew my work was accomplished. I would miss my family very much, but it was time to return to Costa Rica. The future was still very uncertain, but God gave me peace.