Chapter 13-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

July 8, the morning after mom passed away,  I wrote in my journal,

Psalm 65:4,5

“What joy for those you choose to bring near, those who live in your holy courts,

What joy awaits us inside your holy Temple.”

“You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,

O God our Savior,

You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.”

JOY. Ironically, this is the word that comes to mind this morning. This is the verse God gave me this early Saturday morning. God chose to bring mom near to him last night about 9:30. She now lives with Him in His Holy courts. Amazing. Overwhelming. It gives me joy to think that she’s with HIM! Wow! God did answer so many prayers. Too many to count. Again I feel amazed, overwhelmed and full of joy! Wow! He is our hope. He is MY hope. My hope in something I haven’t seen yet; the hope that I have that someday I will see mom again. He is hope for not only me but for the world. That’s what mom’s vision and life was for, for the world. I want to be part of that, hope for others, in that I share the love of God with others all over the world. Just like mom. She not only shared it but lived it. What an amazing woman! I could go on and on and on and on about her life.

Mom meant SO much to me and I will love and miss her forever. The pain of losing her is unbearable. She was my mother, my best friend, and my mentor. It would take pages upon pages to describe what these words encompass. She left me a legacy that I want to continue with my own family and in my own life. I thank God for choosing my mom to be MY MOM. 

Chapter 12-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Mom’s ups and downs continued. Two weeks after I arrived in Ohio, mom seemed to be very well! She even played scrabble with her sister Lovina, who can come for a visit! My return ticket was for July 13. I felt confused as to what God was doing. I was expecting to see mom get worse, but instead we saw her getting better! She also went to church with dad and shocked everybody! I don’t want my readers to think I wanted mom to die, not at all! But my emotions were anticipating a lot of horrible things to happen to mom before she died and our family began to wonder if God had healed her!

One evening, Carmelinda and mom had a race. Louie pushed mom’s wheel chair and Carmelinda went on her scooter. It was really cute! It was such a beautiful evening made with lovely memories.

One afternoon, Carmelinda was reading to mom. It was the book, Clifford the Big Red Dog. Carmelinda started reading when all of a sudden in a very quiet voice, almost a whisper, mom started reading to Carmelinda! Neither one of could believe it! Carmelinda just looked at her and looked at me and then smiled! It was amazing! It was wonderful to hear her!

On 4^th of July, my Uncle Glenn and Aunt Arlene, along with their daughter, Glenda and her daughter, came to visit us.  It was such a nice visit! But the memory I have is when it came time to watch the Plain City fireworks.  We all got ready to sit outside behind mom and dad’s house. We took our lawn chairs and sat just outside dad’s office window. Dad was getting mom ready for bed. Mom couldn't talk but somehow communicated to Dad that she wanted to see the fireworks too! So dad put her in her wheel chair and took her over to the office window and the two of them watched the fireworks along with us!

July 8, 2006 I wrote in my journal…

Psalms 65:4,5

“What joy for those you choose to bring near, those who live in your holy courts,

What joy awaits us inside your Holy Temple.”

“You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,

O God our Savior,

You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.”

JOY, ironically this is the word that comes to mind this early Saturday morning. God chose to bring mom near to him last night about 9:30pm. She now lives with him in His Holy courts! Amazing! Overwhelming! It gives me joy to think that she’s with HIM! Wow! God did answer SO many prayers. Too many to count! He is my hope. My hope in something I have not yet seen. The hope I have that someday I will see mom again. He is hope not only for me but for the world. That’s what mom’s vision for life was, for the world! I want to be a part of that, hope for others, in that I share the love of God with others all over the world, just like mom. She not only shared it but lived it. What an amazing woman!

I’m still in shock. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest literally aches. I feel numb. My body is tired from lack of sleep. I slept 4 hours last night.

Let me share about my last day with mom. It was a Friday morning, Carmelinda, Dad and I took care of mom. I remember her sitting at the kitchen table watching her do her hand exercises with a small rubber ball. I remember trying to encourage her to keep squeezing the ball as hard as she could! Once Carmelinda came around, mom livened up! I remember kissing mom good bye on her forehead. I also remember giving her a hug. Her body seemed so frail.

Little did I know when I left later that morning to visit my friend, Lynette that would be the last time I would speak to her. I had plans to visit my friend for the afternoon and then take Carmelinda on a date, which was our custom every Friday night. Friday nights were a good time for us to go on a date since mom and dad held a Spanish bible study in their home with a few friends from church.  So after going to the mall and eating a yummy Auntie Ann’s pretzel, we were headed to Wallmart. But as we pulling into the parking lot I told Carmelinda I was tired and didn't feel like it. Carmelinda siad, "Yea, lets go home and watch Princess Diaries and say good night to Grandma." So we headed home.

Meanwhile, at home, mom and dad were having a Bible study sitting around the table. Mom joined them. During the study, dad noticed mom was not acting herself. So he finished the study and ended quickly. As he helped mom walk to her bed she was having trouble breathing. Mom barely made it to her bed.

Upon arriving to mom and dad’s house, the hospice nurse, Mary, was pulling in too.  I asked Mary what she was doing at our house. She said dad and Louie had called her. She went running into the house.  Carmelinda and I followed. As I walked into the house, Louie greeted me and told us that she was having trouble breathing. I wasn't sure what to do with Carmelinda. And honestly, I’m still not sure I did the right thing! But we called our friend, Emily, who was working at DerDutchman that evening and was coming off her shift, to see if she could take Carmelinda. I wasn’t sure if I wanted Carmelinda to see all that was happening, since I just wasn't sure what was going to happen!

Everything happened so fast! Too fast! All along I tried to prepare myself for this moment, but when I was face to face with death, I didn't know how to cope! As I walked into mom and dad’s room, mom was struggling. She had her hand on her heart, which made us think maybe she was having pain in her heart.  It was SO hard to see. I felt SO hopeless. I was glad Mary was there. She gave mom morphine to help her relax. But the next thing I hear her saying is, “It’s time to say good bye.” Good bye??? I wasn't ready to do that! Not yet! I was in shock! As I said, “Mom, I release you to Jesus, go to Jesus. Thank You. Bye. I love you.” I couldn't even believe what I was saying! It was all so serial. From one moment to the next, she was gone.

As we watched her go, God gave me the words, “I have fought the battle, I have kept the faith.” Life wasn’t easy for her. She lost many of her loved ones already, but in all of her disappointments in life she kept the faith. She was truly a woman of God, one that many admired and looked up to. For me, she was my hero, my spiritual hero, my mentor, my best friend. My MOM.

As mom laid there, I was drawn to her hands. They were wrinkly and still warm. But a rush of thankfulness came upon me thinking about all the countless times her hands served me, comforted me, and loved me, and of course, so many others. I couldn’t stop crying as I thought about this. God had sent me such a wonderful mom to care for me all these years!

We had Emily bring Carmelinda over to the house right away. Carmelinda took it really hard. She cried like crazy and wanted to see Grandma right away. She was upset with me because she wanted to be with us. It was hard to listen to her and watch her. As I think about it, it makes me incredibly sad. Carmelinda laid beside mom and put her arm around her and told her good bye. We were all crying. Dad suggested we pray. We did. Carmelinda’s prayer was the most beautiful and so simple, “Thank You God that Grandma can walk and talk now and that I get to see her again in heaven!”

Later that evening, the pastors and their wives from Shiloh Mennonite Church came to express their condolences. We spent time praying and singing around mom. It was a special moment for me. I felt supported and loved by them, since they have been people in my life that have been there for me and were definitely there for mom and dad. So thank you, Pablo and Judy, Jon and Dawn, Arnold and Linda, and Jerry and Denise.

God answered my prayer in that I was able to be with mom when she went from this earth to be with her beloved Father. I am so grateful for this gift. It was a day and a moment I will never forget. Someday I will be there too. But for now, I just want to be faithful and at least half the mom my mom was to me! I thank God for the example He gave me.  

Chapter 11-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

October 17,2013

Flying to the States for the last time to see mom seemed so serial. I couldn't believe I was going home to say, "good-bye" to MOM. I knew we had about four to six weeks with her.  I was terribly sad. We decided that Carmelinda was to go with me. She was now almost 6 years old. I tried hard to prepare her to what we were going to Grandpa's house for.

I was SO glad I took her. She was a joy to have around! God used her once again as a healing balm for our family. She was so sweet with mom. She enjoyed wheeling mom around on the wheel chair. She would hold her hand while the therapist gave her leg and feet messages.  She enjoyed reading to her.  I could tell mom loved every minute of it!

Carmelinda loved praying for mom. She would ask God to heal mom so that she and her could walk and talk again. She asked my Aunt Susie that was visiting, when Grandma was going to talk again. Aunt Susie told her that when she sees Jesus she will be able to talk again. Aunt Susie told her the story of my Uncle Mike and Grandpa Gingerich, others who have gone ahead. Aunt Susie is such a good story teller, Carmelinda must have caught on to the excitement because Carmelinda exclaimed, “I want to go too!”

During the first several weeks after mom came home, she had two seizures. This was expected due to the tumor growing. For Carmelinda’s sake, I was glad she didn’t see these happen.

The next weeks were an up and down emotional roller coaster ride. Mom had her good days and her not so good days. At times she talked and walked more to where we wondered if God was healing her! It was confusing for me. I expected her to decline rapidly over the weeks, but that didn’t happen.

God was SO merciful to her and gave us some wonderful memories with her, memories I will cherish forever!

On one Sunday, Carmelinda and I took care of her while dad went to church. We were able to sing and read to her. Carmelinda was so funny and cute and told Grandma stories.

On Father’s Day, we had a special lunch and that night we had a very special surprise for mom. The Spanish church came with their guitars and sang for mom. There were nine men with nine guitars that sang. The house was packed with Latin’s!  It was SO beautiful. The Spanish church looked at mom as a “spiritual mom.” I believe it was a sneak peak into heaven for mom!

June 19, was mom’s 67^th birthday. Louie and I bought her 67 roses. They were beautiful! She also got all kinds of other flowers. Sandy Gordon brought us lunch. She brought fish since she knew mom loved fish! Dad gave mom a very sentimental gift. He gave her a new nightgown and then a photo plaque that had two sides. One the one side was a picture of them. The picture was of them standing in front of the house, both with their straw hats. Dad with his Amish hat that was given to him and mom with her cute straw hat that has a scarf around it! On the other side of the plaque, Dad had printed out a poem that he had written mom about two years prior at a Marriage Encounter. He said he refined the poem and decided to give it to her. Here it is:

I love you for your single-handed

Mattress relocation;

But I promise you again my love

In every situation.

I love you yet when you’re too feeble

To even comb your hair;

When you’ve spent your faithful efforts

With no energies to spare;

When you sit beside the window

With a far-off look in your eyes

Recalling by gone days when

We shot across the skies

In quest of sweet adventures

As we took the mighty word

To humble huts and

Mansions rich

For those who hadn’t heard;

And prayed and preached and

Comforted,

Defying cold despair

In hopeful expectation of

God’s intervention there;

I’ll love you to the very end

Of our pilgrimage together,

And hope the Lord will let us just

Be married forever and ever.

Written by Elam Stauffer

To Doris Stauffer

Refined 6-19-00

As mom read the poem, she cried. We all did. My thoughts were thoughts of sadness and wondering if this would be her last birthday. It was so bitter sweet.

Chapter 9-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Mom's speech continued to maintain the same. Nothing she said made sense. The doctors started reducing the anti-seizure drug. I don't know the name, something complicated! But the medication can make one feel pretty out of it. It caused her to become almost unresponsive. She struggled a lot during this time. I wonder if she was trying to make sense of it all. I don't know. I know I was! 

During this time, my heart continued to literally hurt. I was tired and exhausted emotionally and physically. I now know, that is normal for someone that takes care of someone under intense sickness, such as cancer. 
The pain in my heart kept me up at night. I guessed it was anxiety and stress. 

On May 7, 2006, in my journal I wrote,

"I am feeling much better today. Mom is doing much better as of yesterday. What a hard week! The last wo days she's been more herself. I think the contributing factor has beent he way they are giving mom her medication. Up until now, she's been recieving her Decatron orally, but 1 day ago, they have been giving it to her through an IV. It has made a world of difference. She is more alert. She has actually been able to say sentences! She's up and walking! She's smiling and laughing! It's so nice to see and experience."

That same week, we were told, there was really nothing else the doctors could do. Hospice was called in. Dad and I were able to make the final preparations, before I left for Costa Rica. Mom was able to go home shortly after I left. 

Being back home in Costa Rica was SO hard. I cried a lot. 

I called mom for Mother's Day. She was still having trouble talking. She managed to get out "Hello, Carmelinda," but that was it. My heart was broken. It was so hard for me not to be able to talk to her. She tried so hard. I wish I knew what she was trying to tell me. 

The day after, I had a major crying spell, just thinking how much I missed my conversations with mom. 




Chapter 10

My chest pains continued. I had difficulty breathing at times. I noticed that when I started talking about mom I found myself gasping for breath. I also noticed that the pains were lasting longer. I felt my chest get right and felt a lot of pressure. It was very uncomfortable. I knew something wasn't right. I guessed it was something linked with mom's condition. I wasn't sleeping well either. I made an appointment with our family doctor. I took some tests and everything came back normal. He informed me that I was suffering from panic attacks due to the intense stress of the past year. He suggested I take some anti-depressants and some muscle relaxants to help my body through the trauma I was experiencing. This was hard to take all in. I was in shock. I had never heard of panic attacks! What was wrong with me! 

Ps. 119
v.25 "I lie in the dust, completly discouraged; receive me by your word."
v.28 "I weep with grief; encourage me by your word." 

May 6, 2006

"Today we are going to be recieving MRI results that will determine the condition of mom's tumor. Sunday morning, I got a call around 5:00am telling me that dad had called the squad. They took mom to the hospital. She had been vomiting and couldn't even keep waster down. She was also so out of it that dad couldn't wake her up. Dad realized there wasn't anything he could do anymore so he called the squad. 

They found out her brain was swollen. When the brain gets this way, the body starts shutting down. She has been having trouble swollowing. She's been lathargic a lot. She's been getting weaker as time is progressing. 

She's now in the ICU at Grant Hospital. Our gut feeling is that the news won't be good. In talking with dad and Louie yesterday, I think we're ready to hera it. I know it might take some time for it to sink in, but I want to accept God's will, not mine."

During this time I read a book called, Surrender It was written by a man who had cancer in his lymph nodes and eventually the cancer spread. The last chapter was written by his friend, since the author passed away. 

The word surrender meant for me that I was to give up mom, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations, everything that I ever thought would happen in the future. This was much easier said than done! 

One of my desires was to be mom until the end. I told dad to please tell me when the doctor told him that mom's days were few. I asked God to grant me that desire. 

While mom was in ICU, we were told, that mom was near the end. Due to the condition of her brain, the doctor expected mom to live 4-6 weeks longer. DeLynn released me and Carmelinda, with love, to go be with mom during her last days. He needed to stay in Costa Rica,since summer was starting and he needed to be there for ministry purposes. 

I tried hard to prepare Carmelinda for what was to come, although, I didn't really know what was to come myself! 

Chapter 8-Held in the Grip of the Love of God

On April 24, 2006, I wrote in my journal,

“Today was a good day, even though I’m tired. I don’t feel like I do anything but yet at night I feel exhausted and worn out.

Mom is doing well. It seems as though her right arm and leg are a little weak. They are talking with us about rehabilitation. Right now we’re not sure what that means. She still has difficulty in her speech. Like last time, her Spanish comes easier for her. It’s funny! She’s starts talking in Spanish, so the therapist tries to get her on the English track.

This afternoon mom took a nap and then decided she had laid down long enough. She started to take off her leg circulators and wanted to start disconnecting her IV’s. I asked her what she was doing, she said she wanted to walk. She said, ‘I’m not the type to just sit around!’ The nurse told us she did the same thing in the morning. They put the bed rails up so she can’t get out on her own. This makes me sad, knowing that she’s confused.”

April 28, I wrote,

“A range of emotions are filing my heart today. I’ve been pretty emotional these last two days.

Mom is now at a rehab center at Riverside Hospital. Today is her first day of hard work. She is now resting and completely worn out. I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t have to go through it. She does really good walking. She’s a trooper. She walked around the halls twice. Then she walked up some stairs and back down!

She also had speech therapy, that made me cry. Her speech is hardly understandable, in that she didn’t hardly make a bit of sense. The speech therapist gave her some commands that she could hardly follow. The therapist pulled out objects out of a box that mom had to name. Mom couldn’t name them. Her Spanish kept coming out at times, but even her Spanish didn’t make sense.

The whole time I watched her try so hard, it just gave me such deep sadness. To think she used to be so sharp and had the art of communication. She was also a very good Spanish teacher and did so well at teaching others. She was also the type to be active and smart. To see her like this is unbearable for me to watch.

I still can’t believe she has cancer. I never even fathomed her having to go through this. She always took care of her body. She always ate the right foods. She was and still is my roll model for so many things. I guess I’m just wondering why her God? And yet I don’t blame God, I blame sin. I’m feeling some anger about that. It just gives me such a deep sadness. I wish there was something I could do to make things perfect like they were before. I know this is part of the grieving process of letting her go. I know that when that day comes, for sure, it will be unbearable!” 

Chapter 7 Held in the Grip of the Love of God

Saying goodbye to mom was painful. Again, I didn’t know what the future would hold for mom. What I didn’t know was that that was the last time mom and I would be able to have a normal conversation with her face to face. Looking back, I wish I would have asked her a lot more questions.

When Mom and Dad got back to the States, mom slowly started deteriorating again. Dad and especially, Louie would tell me how mom was doing. He said having a conversation with her was so difficult. She couldn’t even get simple words out. And that watching mom loose her gift of conversation was really hard. She would get frustrated and end up crying. Dad and Louie tried to ask lots of questions to help the conversation.

On one occasion, Louie walked into the house and found mom packing Dad’s lunch in the dark. She didn’t even seem to notice or even care. This made me so sad.

Dad said that mom didn’t want anything that would put her in the hospital like the IV drip. This was hard for Dad to hear. But we all knew her eyes were set on heaven and that’s where she wanted to be. At times, this made me angry, that she didn’t want to be with us! But I also knew she just wanted to be with her Heavenly Father and she was going to be able to experience so much JOY! I was selfish to want her to stay.

On April 14, DeLynn’s birthday, I talked with Dad and the doctors were recommending a second surgery. I had a lot of feeling in thinking of round 2. I hated to think of mom having to go through a second surgery and the recovery process again. Last time, it seemed to take so long for her to be “normal” again. The stakes were high, but Dad thought it the best decision and I was planning to be there to support him.

The follow is a song God gave me as I prepared to fly up to Ohio to be with Mom..

Book of Joy

By Sheila Walsh

Open to me word of wisdom in the midst of life’s dark days

Take away my human blindness, give me eyes to see your ways.

I am weak without your goodness,

I am lost without your light.

Word of God, sweet breath of heaven,

Shine upon this child tonight.

Open to me word of kindness, when my heart is sad within

Help me rise above the sorrow, singing songs of joy again.

I lift my voice to worship,

Thankful for your gift of grace.

Friend until I see your face.

Open now the halls of heaven to each child who seeks your face,

Mercy flowing like a river from the Christ who took our place.

Word of life,

Sweet breath of heaven,

Love of every love to me.

On April 17, I flew up to be with Dad and Louie. Surgery, was to be done on Friday. The plan was to put 10 wafers in mom’s head around the tumor. This time, we waited alone as a family until the surgery was finished. We were told the surgery would take 7 to 8 hours, but before we knew it the doctor informed us he was finished, 2 ½ hours later. He told us the surgery was shortened because it was just too risky and the cancer had started hitting areas in her brain that were affecting her speech, body movements etc. When I went into see her, her head was all bandaged up. I hated seeing her that way.

This time around, I had decided to take it easy on myself since the first time, I felt like I had to spend all day at the hospital. I found out pretty quickly that it was exhausting emotionally and physically. I was glad I made this decision, since mom’s recuperation ended up being VERY hard to watch. The side effects of the surgery were unbearable. 

Chapter 6- Held in the Grip of Love of God

Mom and Dad chose not come for Christmas. Tickets are always high in over Christmas. But the decision was made that they would come in February. As I thought about seeing mom again, I had a lot of mixed feelings again. Having her present meant that I had to face reality. Having so many miles between meant that I didn’t have to think about it, only when I wanted to. So I could turn off my pain. But having them come meant that this would probably be the last time we would all be together as a family since the suspicious activity in her brain had continued. The doctor told them to go ahead and plan to go to Costa Rica and when they came back they could make decisions concerning the future.

While they spent time with us, the other activities that were going on at the same time was having some work teams around, having some other company, as well as, hosting a Marriage Encounter. I was worried about how mom would be able handle all this in her state.

In my diary I wrote,

February 6, 2006

“I feel like my emotions are piling up again. I’m also really struggling again with not being pregnant yet…

Lord, please help me. I feel like my anger is my enemy that keeps creeping up. I hate feeling this way but I don’t know how to conquer it and make it go away! I wish I could just get over it and accept it and move on. It’s such a struggle. It makes me cry. But these are the two things (mom’s health and infertility) that I don’t’ want to think about because they hurt SO much.”

I remember the call I got two days later. We had been waiting on the results of her MRI and what the suspicious activity meant. The tests indicated that there was inflammation on mom’s left lobe. It was significant enough that the doctors decided to discontinue her experimental drug chemotherapy. This wasn't good news for any of us. The plan was for her to take the experimental drug for a year, and it had only been four months! The doctor informed us that there were other alternatives that would help to prolong her life. The doctor made it clear that without treatment mom had several months to live. Remember, this tumor was a fast growing tumor.

I remember the feeling of hopeless setting in, feeling numb. Having to make decisions about treatments concerning life and death concerning my sweet mom was a reality I didn’t want to face. I hated the thought! It makes me tremble just remembering it all.

I remember seeing mom and dad come out of the airport when we picked them up. Mom had a wig on. She looked so different. It was going to take some time getting used to. I hoped Carmelinda would be ok with seeing mom again.

Mom and dad stayed at the base at the guest house since we had such a small house. There are several things that stick out to me during her stay. As I remember, it feels like such a long time ago. There are times when I think I should have been a better host. I should have taken care of mom better during her stay. I should have spent more time with her, asking her questions that now I have.

While mom was visiting I was suffering for a terrible toothache that in the end needed to be pulled. Mom not only went with me to the dentist, she took care of me when I came home. She made me jello and took care of Carmelinda! I remember lying in bed and hearing Carmelinda (age 5 ½) and mom having a “tea party” in the next room and Carmelinda asking mom, “Grandma, so how are you doing?” Mom responded, “Well, I’m doing alright!” I remember wanting to cry, realizing that this would be the last tea party they would have together.

On another occasion, I needed to go to the store. I asked mom if she wanted to go with me half expecting her to decline. But instead she said, “Sure!” And I said, “Don’t you want to stay home and rest?” And she said, “NO, I gotta live it up!”

I also remember traveling with our company that was visiting us at the time along with mom and dad and Carmelinda and going from La Fortuna to Puerto Viejo. What should have taken several hours took all afternoon and into the evening. I was driving and got lost. We ended up at the border of Nicaragua!!! But what I remember was thinking mom must have been exhausted, but I never heard one complaint out of her. She and dad chose to sit in the back seat of the van. I can’t believe they did that taking into consideration her state! I would have wanted an air conditioned car, a seat in the front, and I’m pretty sure I would have complained about something! But not mom!

One of the major reasons mom and dad came to Costa Rica was to hold one more Marriage Encounter with mom present. It was difficult for all of us during the weekend, knowing this was the last one. I remember mom crying a little more often while reading her story to the couples. We all cried. At the end of the encounter, the couples gathered around mom and prayed, Latin style, which means they all prayed at once, out loud. I remember watching and hearing their prayers and saying to God, “please hear their prayers!”

I also remember one day walking into their room with a question. Their door room was closed. I remember opening it and to my surprise mom had her wig off. This was the first time during their visit I saw her head. She had very little hair. It looked so strange. I remember walking away feeling in a daze and sad. Reality hit me again.

But the highlight of the trip for mom was taking her, just out family, to Playa Hermosa in Guanacaste. It was SO beautiful and we ended up staying at the same place my family used to go to 30 years earlier. Mom loved every minute of it! We swam together. Dad helped to teach Carmelinda to swim. Mom, Carmelinda and I sat in the jacuzzi. Seeing mom in a bathing suit made me sad since she was so skinny, but being together as a family filled me with so much JOY. My brother Louie also came from Ohio for this last family time. We ate fresh fruit for breakfast, ate fish for lunch and just enjoyed being together. There were monkeys in the trees that entertained us. The view was magnificent.

One of our last evening together, we all sat on beach chairs facing the ocean watching the sunset. Carmelinda played in the sand. I don’t know how much she understood of what we were talking about. The reality was inevitable. It was time to have a family meeting concerning mom’s future. We all wanted to hear from mom and listen to what her desires were. She made it clear that she was ready to go but was open to what we thought about different treatments. In the end, the decision was going to be up to mom and dad.

(This was probably one of the hardest entries for me to write. I feel dizzy, numb and tired. Please excuse any errors written since I just kind of feel out of it and wanted to get this part of my story over with.)

Chapter 5 -Held in Grip of the Love of God

Life got back to “normal” when I returned to Costa Rica. I was able to talk to mom pretty often over the phone. She continued to exercise everyday as well as continued to take care of herself nutritionally. Dad was such a wonderful example to me as to how a husband should love and care for his wife. Louie also gave a lot of his time to help mom rehabilitate.

A song that really ministered to me over that summer and as I went back to Costa Rica was, Sweetly Broken, by Jeremy Riddle.

                                                                                                                

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink

Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

Chorus:

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death

You’ve called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness

I know the cross was the only thing I was able to cling onto for HOPE. But part of me had no hope. I remember feeling that God was sweetly breaking my heart. It hurt SO much. But I also knew that during my time of breaking, I was feeling so dependent and close to Him. I remember how quickly the tears came. I remember how sensitive and vaulnerable I felt before Him. I remember how I KNEW that death wasn’t the end. He had given us life, throught the cross. This became so REAL and I saw the cross and Christ’s suffering from a whole different perspective.

 In my journal, I wrote…

August 10, 2005

“I try to remain hopeful. I want to see her get better. I would love if mom and dad could come to CR for Christmmas. But I also know life is fragile and I can only take one day at a time. I do think about what life would be like if mom died. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. I know that one of the saddest things for me is that Carmelinda won’t remember her. I love watching mom read to her. Carmelinda loves being with her. Carmelinda is very sad to see her grandma sick. I will miss how she cares for me, making sure I’m ok physically, emotionally, and spritually. In some ways I feel like I’ve lost her already. Maybe because I’m caring for her now. I’m used to having her care for me, cook fo rme, etc. I’ve lost that already. Part of me struggles sharing things with her with the uncertainty that she will remember it. It’s a deep sadness. I just wish this wasn’t all happening…

November 17, 2005

DeLynn saw mom, I’ve been thinking a lot about her. He told me she seemed sad. That makes me very sad. He said she didn’t talk much. I worry about her. I think I’m grieving again. I wish her cancer would go away! I was thinking again last night what I’m going to do without her. I’m going to miss her terribly. Why did this have to happen to her? I makes me cry. Carmelinda wanted to call her tonight to pray for her. I wish God would hear her prayers and heal her. I wish Carmelinda would be able to grow up with her. I know I don’t know the future, but at the momento I don’t have much faith.

December 7,2005

A couple of weeks ago, dad emailed me and told me that mom had an MRI. The MRI showed that the tumor had shrunk a little! That is good news. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it being just a “little.” But i do wish it was more! But then, if it keeps shrinking in this next year, maybe it will go away completly! I really hope so.

Held in the Grip of the Love of God -Chapter 4

Carmelinda was so excited to see Grandma. I tried to prepare her by telling her Grandma was sick and we were going to help her get better. It’s hard to explain to a 5 year old what cancer is and all that it involves.

After flying all day, we got to my parents’ home, very late at night. Mom and dad were so excited to see Carmelinda and I, they got up to welcome us. Carmelinda was a little shy around them. We went to bed quite exhausted.

It wasn’t long until I noticed Carmelinda was uncomfortable around mom. The night before was such a late night. I can only imagine what Carmelinda thought of seeing mom for the first time after her surgery with her hair half shaved off and a large scare of the left side of her head. To a child I’m sure it was a traumatic picture. I hadn’t prepared her for that. I thought that maybe the more she would be around mom, the more she would get used to mom’s appearance.

I started getting worried when after a week she hardly ate anything. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I remember asking at the hospital, where we would take mom for her chemotherapy treaments, if they had anything for children that I could use to help Carmelinda understand what was going on. They gave me a wonderful book, where Carmelinda was able to express her feelings through pictures. The book had an easy way to explain what cancer is. Everyday, we would take a little time looking at the book, and while she would work on the book, I would pray that God would somehow help her understand what was happening to mom. When Carmelinda drew pictures, she always drew Grandma with half her hair shaved off. It looked so awkward, and yet so “normal.” It made me sad.

Two weeks went by and then three and Carmelinda still wasn’t eating hardly anything. When she would sit on Grandma’s lap, she often looked sad. When talking with my parents, trying to figure how to help Carmelinda, we decided it would probably be better for mom to cover her head with a scarf, that maybe that’s what was scaring her. But time went on, and Carmelinda still wasn’t eating.

 By week three, I was so desperate. I cried out to the Lord for help. I remember during week three getting a call from our pastor, Pablo Kauffman. Shiloh Mennonite Church, our home church, had mom on the prayer hotline everyday. He called and asked if we had any specific prayer requests. Crying, I told him about Carmelinda and asked for wisdom and prayer. He said he would put it on the prayer hotline. I was so thankful for that call.

That day was a Friday and every Friday evening, Carmelinda and I went on a date, just to give ourselves a break. That night, I took her to Skyline Chili. She loved Skyline Chili! I was hoping it would encourage her to eat! As we sat together in the restaurant, I remember watc hing her pick at her food. I looked at her with compassion and said, “Honey, mommy is SO worried about you. It makes me sad that you’re not eating. If you don’t start eating, I’m going to have to take you to the doctor. Can you please tell me why you can’t eat?” I had had this conversation with her on several occasions, but she just couldn’t tell me what was wrong. Finally, that evening she said softly, “I can’t eat because of Grandma’s head. When I look at her head, I can’t eat.” I was SO relieved that she finally was able to express what was holding her back. At the same time, it made me so sad knowing that Carmelinda was having a hard time.

When talking with my parents about what Carmelinda shared, we decided maybe it would be better to get her a little table and have her eat there at a different time than the rest of us. It seemed to work. I would sit with her while she ate to help her feel more relaxed and because I just wanted to be with her.

One thing we really enjoyed doing with mom was going on walks with her around the neighborhood. Someone gave Carmelinda a little scooter. Mom and I would walk, while Carmelinda would ride ahead of us on her scooter.

When mom started using scarves, I noticed that Carmelinda wanted to use them too! So I bought her some cute scarves so she could be like Grandma.

Carmelinda was also learning to read. She had a couple books she brought along to read to Grandma. Mom LOVED listening to her talk and read. I could tell she was so proud of her!

God used Carmelinda as a healing balm for our whole family! She was so cute and mom had so much fun watching her play. I loved when we were all together making memories. Except, I still missed DeLynn so much and he missed us. I was blessed to have one of my best friends home from furlough over the summer. Her and her husband saw and heard how much I missed DeLynn and offered to buy a ticket for DeLynn to come join us at the end of the summer. It was such a wonderful gift!

So after crying and calling each other often, DeLynn was able to join our family at the end of the summer after all our teams had left.

By the end of the summer, mom was doing pretty good. She was talking more normal again. She was finished with her chemo and radiation. Everyday she was exercising by walking. She was eating well and taking care of herself.

By the time, it was time to say good-byeI knew my work was accomplished. I would miss my family very much, but it was time to return to Costa Rica. The future was still very uncertain, but God gave me peace.

Held in the Grip of Love of God -Chapter 3

Mom was in the hospital a week after her surgery. Her recovery went quite well. It was hard to see her with her head all bandaged up. She was a big confused at times and needed help getting up, brushing her teeth, and combing her hair. But as time went on, we saw God healing her. She needed to stay some extra days because of some blood clots in her legs, but after some treatment, the danger went away.

I was still having a very difficult time being away from DeLynn and Carmelinda and the ministry. But at the same time, I was glad that I was close to mom and dad and Louie. I knew that if I was in Costa Rica, I would be worrying a lot and would have had a hard time focusing.

I remember the afternoon, we took mom home. On our way home, she insisted that we stop at the grocery store because the fish was on sale at Kroger! Dad and I couldn’t believe what she was saying! Hesitantly, dad went into the grocery store and sure enough, the fish was on sale!!! Unbelievable!!! It was hard to believe that just a week ago she was so confused and couldn’t get her words out, and now she was remembering that the fish at Kroger was on sale!

Having mom home, brought on some new changes. I remember feeling frustrated and sad when I saw her calling the credit card company canceling her card! Then she called some other places also canceling her other cards. When I asked mom why she did that, she just said she had no need for them anymore. I wasn’t sure what to say.

On another occasion, I was taking her on a walk and she and I got to talking about the future. I remember just feeling myself getting upset because she started talking about not wanting to get further treatment, such as chemotherapy because she was nearing her end anyway. I started arguing with her telling her that I felt she was giving up!

I realize and learned later from her nurse that in those first weeks, because of her surgery, things that she was saying and doing wasn’t necessarily those she was actually feeling or thinking through. This helped me be able to handle things emotionally.

During the time I was there, a couple weeks after her surgery, some of her sisters came for a visit. It was so nice of them to support mom during this time. Mom still wasn’t herself, which I think surprised the sisters as they talked. Mom was so good at remembering family history and was good at telling stories, the sisters thought they would record her sharing family stories. But much to our disappointment, mom had a very hard time remembering and got really frustrated with herself. It was a hard thing to watch. She ended up lying on the couch crying. I felt SO sad.

Other times when I felt sad, was when I had to wash her hair, (the hair she had left) or when she needed help walking or when I was in the kitchen alone, cooking meals, cleaning the house or doing everybody’s laundry. These would be things we would do together, not just me! She would sit and watch me. Our communication was limited. I no longer could express my real feelings about things.

And all summer, I just felt this huge sadness. And even though I hadn’t “lost” mom, it felt like I had. Things just weren’t the same. DeLynn and I talked quite often on the phone and we both cried a lot. I needed DeLynn and he needed me. There were so many times I felt so alone. Some of my close friends were far away, and I felt I needed to be at "home" all the time to help dad and Louie with mom. I was so happy to do it, but it felt I was carrying a huge load. A load of sadness that I couldn't anything about and that wouldn't go away. 

I was so glad I had Louie and Dad to talk to. We also felt a huge support from our church, Shiloh Mennonite Church. They brought in meals and many of them visited mom. The other church that blessed our family was the Hispanic Church in Hilliard. Dad and Mom were pastors there and there was such a love and respect for mom and dad! Mom was a spiritual mother to many of them and grandma to the children.

Half way through the summer, DeLynn and I thought it would be good to have Carmelinda come to the States and join me. We thought it would be good for mom to have her around. Mom absolutely adored Carmelinda and was anxious to see her. So four weeks after mom’s surgery, I flew down to Costa Rica and spent several days there and took Carmelinda back with me. It was SO hard to say good-bye to DeLynn and the ministry again. But I was looking forward to having Carmelinda be with me. Little did I know what that would entail. 

Chapter 2 - Held in the Grip of Love of God

I wasn´t sure how to prepare myself emotionally or mentally for the road ahead. I don´t think one can, since every story is different. I remember walking into mom´s hospital room for the first time. She was very happy to see us. I was sad to see they had shaved half of her beautiful black hair. I was so glad to be there. We didn´t have much time to be with her before her surgery that day. But I made sure she knew how much I loved her and prayed within myself that this wouldn´t be the last time I´d have to communicate with her, even though at that point communication was limited.

When it was time to wheel her into the prep room, I remember just being in a daze, my mind full of questions. The tumor mom had was growing so fast, that in 7-14 days it doubled in size! They explained to us that the only way to answer more questions was to operate. Before they took mom to the operating room, dad prayed for the surgeon. He was a very kind doctor from the middle east.

As we waited, there were some very kind friends, that came and waited with us. They even brought food, but I just couldn’t eat. It didn’t seem right. Plus, I felt lonely, not having DeLynn and Carmelinda there and I was so tired because of arriving so late the night before. The time went so slow. I don’t even remember how long we waited, but I remember we didn’t have to wait as long as expected. When the doctor finally came out he asked to talk to the family in a private room.

I wasn’t prepared for the doctor’s news. He said the tumor had fingers on it so therefore they were unable to get the whole tumor out. The fingers were reaching into places that were too sensitive to go into. The doctor estimated that 60% of the tumor had been taken out. Then came the worst news of all; he told us that a person with this type of tumor had an average of a year life expectancy. He prepared us by telling us that in reality, they weren’t sure how much of mom’s memory would come back. So the question was, was she going to be able to talk, walk, take care of herself? We would have to wait and see. 

Held in the Grip of Love of God

The love of Christ compels us . . . —2 Corinthians 5:14


It´s been 10 years since our little family left the States for Costa Rica. In January, 2002, little did I know the adventure of a lifetime I was getting myself into. I remember, Carmelinda was 2 years old. She was just the cutest thing ever! At that time, she was into Dora the Explorer, and explorer she became!
I remember saying goodbye to my family. Man, that was hard! Especially, saying goodbye to mom. I knew that she knew how I was feeling, since at one time she had to do the same thing. We both cried as we said goodbye. I knew that this decision we were making was going to be a hard one, but I had no idea it was going to be as hard as it has gotten at times! I probably better that mom didn´t tell me, I probably would have chosen to stay "home" where I felt  I was safe and secure.
(Just as a side note, mom wrote us a letter, every week as long as she could. Once she passed away, I really missed that!)
So into the unknown I went, with a heart ready to "Go." That was our theme song at that time:

If You Say Go
by Rita Springer

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to thefire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You


The first three weeks, we stayed with a CostaRican family, to help us get acclimated. They took us to the Heredia farm market, helped us paint our "new" house down the street from  them, babysat Carmelinda so that DeLynn and I could have dates and and introduced Carmelinda to cofee, which at the time we thought was terrible for a 2 year old and told them to please not give her cofee! :)
I remember, our first Christmas almost a year later. Two of our best friends, Kevin and Kristen Bucher came to vist us. It was wonderful!

It wasn't too long after Christmas, when things started getting challenging. We had been rent a camp along with another friend. It was being used for the teams that were coming from the States and Canada. But month by month, it seemed that our vision was different  than that person's vision and we ended up parting ways. That was my first "lastima," I encountered. I wished it had worked out, but it was better that we save our friendship rather than have a bridge between us.

Carmelinda at 2 years old. Picture taken at the first camp. 

It wasn't long after that we moved to a beautiful house in Heredia. Ioved it because it was big enough to have one of our first interns live with us. It had a lemon tree that produced lemons ALL year! You know, the kind of lemons they use at the fair to make lemonade! We drank SO much lemonade!
We were sent, for our first three years, under Rosedale Mennonite Missions, Rosedale, Ohio. But after our first term, the missions agency decided to put their focus on the unreached people groups and were no longer sending missionaries to Latin America. It was decided that we would be sent by the church we last worked at, Vineyard Church of Northridge. We chose a board that we would be accountable to and would help us make decisions and take care of us.
By this time, Pura Vida Missions was at it's beginning stages. We had had several teams down and really loved what we were doing.  In our first years of Pura Vida Missions, PVM, we were able to visit and work in lots of places and churches. It was a great way to get to know pastors and beautiful Costa Rica. At that time, it was our family and one or two interns (staff) that helped us. But it seemed that with vision of PVM, word spread quickly within the Mennonite Churches and soon we were recieving requests for youth groups to come down. Because we were working, at first, with the Mennonite Churches, we focused on sending teams to those churches. Each summer, PVM seemed to be growing and growing in numbers. Each summer, we needed more and more staff and a place to  host the teams.

First PVM sign

The Lord led us to a place I would have NEVER chosen!!! But in the end, served it's purpose and was perfect! But our first years at this "new" camp, were extremely hard for many reasons. First of all, it needed a lot of work! There were cockroches, dog poop, and piles of dirt inside. You see, it had been used as a mushroom farm at one time and no one had taken the time to clean it all out. The place was huge. It was made up of six large cubicals that wanted to renovate. There was a lot of remodling to do and the work seemed endless. I remember one of the first days after we moved, lying on my bed, curled up in a ball, crying, wondering what in the world the Lord was thinking! It seemed  it was a joke to believe that this was the best He could give us, since that's what we had been praying for and believed He would give us! I was so discouraged! DeLynn, on the other hand, was excited to get started, even though he knew it would take awhile!

The beautiful part of the camp!

This all took place in May and at the end of June, we were supposed to recieve our first PVM teams! Were we crazy! Yes! Our staff started arriving, but there was SO much to do and it looked too overwhelming, so poor DeLynn felt like he was pulling a donkey, at times! But all at the same time, we were excited about being in our own place and ready to see what God was going to do that summer! This was summer of 2005.
Then we got the email, and for me, things went down hill. By this time, mom wasn't sending me written letters anymore, but emails. It was one of these emails that at the end of her email, she wrote, "Love, Doris." I found it strange that she wrote this since she always ended her letters with, "Love, mom." But I thought, well, maybe she got confused.
A week later, I got another email. It was an email, telling me she had dropped off my brother, Louie off at the airport, since he was coming to Costa Rica to help us lead teams. And although this letter made sense, at the same time, it there were some words mixed up, that didn't make sense. I thought it very strange and decided I would ask Louie about it once he arrived.
It was great to see Louie and I was so excited to spend the summer with him. I couldn't wait too long to ask him questions. Once I started asking them, I realized something was really wrong. It made me sad.
The next week, I got another email from mom. This time, the mail was just words all scrambled together. None of it made sense. I knew I needed to call dad and ask him what was going on. Dad told me that the last few weeks had been tough. Mom's demenor had started to change from being happy to some one more sober, she wasn't able to finish sentences, she was confused, did strange things like bake a cake in a tin can. I pleaded with him to find help. This couldn't be happening!
That same week, we had recieved a team. I remember, being excited and worried all at the same time. Exited about the team and the summer activities and worried about mom. That week, Carmelinda was turning 5 years old. We had decided to celebrate with the team, Friday night and take them out for ice cream. In the excitement, one the participants missed her footing and slipped off the ramp outside and fell 5 ft. I saw it happen. It was horrible. She hit the wall and fell on the ground, motionless. We called the ambulance. While we were waitng for the ambulance, her team leader, started talking to her. She responded, but she was confused. Some of her words didn't make sense. I got in the ambulance with the leader and the the girl that had been hurt.
DeLyn met us at the Heredia hospital. While we were waiting for results, I got a call from my dad. I will never forget that call. It's one of those calls, one never wants to get, and worse, overseas. He told me the doctors had discoved  mom had a brain tumor and they needed to operate as soon as possible, which meant, Tuesday! How in the world was I going to tell my brother this terrible news! What was supposed to be a happy day, had turned into a very, very sad day.  (By the way, the girl was fine after 24 hours and she was sent home the next day. We were SO thankful nothing worse had happened.)
I remember just feeling numb. At that time, I didn't know much about brain tumors and the word, "cancer," scared me. After telling my brother, we prayed for wisdom and direction as to what we should do. I felt so helpless. I remember feeling so torn because I knew my husband was entering a full summer and now, my mom had cancer. As the hours went by, I got little sleep and felt little peace. I knew my ministry was in Costa Rica, but I also knew family was ministry too. Mom and Dad had taught me that by example, when caring for their parents in time of need. I felt myself loosing focus and concentration in Costa Rica and yearning to be with mom. After, talking with DeLynn and Louie, it was decided that Louie and I would travel to Ohio to be with mom and dad. It was going to be hard, but I knew that's where God was calling me. I really didn't know how long I would be there, but I knew I at least wanted to be there for the surgery and support dad. That summer, we had a wonderful nanny already coming to care for Carmelinda. She arrived on Sunday. As I watched them interact, I knew God would take care of Carmelinda and I felt so much peace, leaving Carmelinda. Monday afternoon, Louie and I flew to Ohio and Tuesday was the surgery. My heart was so torn up when I saw our first summer team arriving at the airport that I was leaving from.  I was leaving one ministry I loved to go do another.


(This is only part of the story, more coming....)